A girl gets drunk, hits the camera, throws a keg off her deck, and slurs her racial slurs. Exciting!
12/28/2006
12/23/2006
Highlights of a Case Race
Here's an older video that I just wanted to put back up. It's a few minutes that highlight the epic case race between my friends Pud and Hunter. Favorite quote:
Via: Flixya
I bet I'll stab myself in a more vital organ than you will.
Via: Flixya
12/21/2006
Shelden Williams
Today I'm removing my "Shelden Hater" store off the internet. Since it's inception back during last year's basketball season, I have sold 0 items and made $0.00. Here is the picture that would have been produced on any items if someone had bought one of them.
12/14/2006
11/04/2006
11/01/2006
10/22/2006
Best Office Quote
I lost Ed Truck, and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears and at the same time somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone, and I am crying, and nobody can hear me because I am terribly, terribly...terribly alone.
10/11/2006
Pyramid Scheme That Works!
When does a pyramid scheme work? Only when you can't lose anything.
I think that's the philosophy behind the new site moola.com where you never deposit a single penny, but you can SUPPOSEDLY make over $10 million. It's a simple concept and brilliant business model.
When you join, you watch an ad and get a penny for it. Then you play someone else for a penny. If you win you have two pennies and can play someone else for their two pennies. Each win allows you to move up the bracket and play for more money, or you can stay put at the penny level. Either way, you never risk a dime (of your own money).
You can even make money when the people you invite make money! This is the "pyramid" part. You make 4% of whatever your invites make. Then 3% of whatever their invites make. Then 2% and down to 1%. So there are four levels of extra income. A pyramid scheme that works!
You need an invite to play right now, so if you want one just email cc5alive@gmail.com and I'll be glad to give one to you until I run out.
I think that's the philosophy behind the new site moola.com where you never deposit a single penny, but you can SUPPOSEDLY make over $10 million. It's a simple concept and brilliant business model.
When you join, you watch an ad and get a penny for it. Then you play someone else for a penny. If you win you have two pennies and can play someone else for their two pennies. Each win allows you to move up the bracket and play for more money, or you can stay put at the penny level. Either way, you never risk a dime (of your own money).
You can even make money when the people you invite make money! This is the "pyramid" part. You make 4% of whatever your invites make. Then 3% of whatever their invites make. Then 2% and down to 1%. So there are four levels of extra income. A pyramid scheme that works!
You need an invite to play right now, so if you want one just email cc5alive@gmail.com and I'll be glad to give one to you until I run out.
10/05/2006
The Red Bull Story
Do you know why I’m drinking a Red Bull? It’s because I needed something to pep me up when I take Benadryl because it makes me tired. And I needed Benadryl because there was an allergic reaction on my knees. I’m allergic to shellfish and my friend threw two shrimp, and each shrimp hit one of my knees. It’s really my fault though because I threw a fried flounder at him first. I threw it at him because he was drinking Red Bull and I f-ing hate Red Bull.
10/03/2006
Grammar Laughs
I noticed a new blog that I think is going to be very popular among niche readers who love humor pertaining to grammar.
Grammar Laughs is a new blog that reveals the idiosyncracies of the English language. It focuses on turning mundane details into skits, poems, and other forms of performance art. Very cool.
GRAMMAR LAUGHS
Grammar Laughs is a new blog that reveals the idiosyncracies of the English language. It focuses on turning mundane details into skits, poems, and other forms of performance art. Very cool.
GRAMMAR LAUGHS
10/02/2006
Today's YouTube Videos
Stephen Colbert... not much of a rapper, but still hilarious.
This blonde girl is amazingly dumb!
9/27/2006
Fall Down Boy
This is a short clip of one of my friends trying his hardest not to be drunk. But he is. Real drunk.
9/25/2006
The Diet Begins
So Brad and I are starting a diet. And if there is one thing I have learned about diets, it's that they suck bad. The first three letters are "die." These pictures illustrate what we look like before we get real lean and fit.
9/21/2006
Highlights of a Case Race
This was a 30 minute video that I condensed into four and half glorious minutes. It's ridiculous.
9/20/2006
Superman for an 8-year-old
This is my Halloween costume from last year. I'm trying to think of something better for this year.
9/18/2006
Moola.com - Make Money Playing Games
There is a new website out called moola.com where you basically make money by playing games. You never have to deposit money, you just are given a penny and watch your money multiply as you win. The only catch is that you have to watch a short advertisement before each game (but you can even SKIP that!).
There are three games available right now and it looks like the site will be adding many more soon. Also, you can only sign up if you are invited, so if anyone would like to be invited to moola.com, just send an email to cc5alive@gmail.com. Sometimes I run out of invites and have to wait a couple days until they give me more.
Awesome.
Digg this.
There are three games available right now and it looks like the site will be adding many more soon. Also, you can only sign up if you are invited, so if anyone would like to be invited to moola.com, just send an email to cc5alive@gmail.com. Sometimes I run out of invites and have to wait a couple days until they give me more.
Awesome.
Digg this.
9/11/2006
Michael Moore, Fred Phelps, and the Sodomobile
Michael Moore takes a bus of homosexuals to the preacher who started godhatesfags.com. I don't think Michael Moore has done something funnier than this.
My Neighbors
Here's a quick story about my neighbors in this duplex:
A girl was painting her room and painted over part of the sockets on the wall. She frantically ran and got a wet paper towel to wipe off the paint. She did so and was electrocuted.
That is a true story.
A girl was painting her room and painted over part of the sockets on the wall. She frantically ran and got a wet paper towel to wipe off the paint. She did so and was electrocuted.
That is a true story.
9/05/2006
3 New Ways to Make Money on the Internet
Moola.com
This brand new site lets you make money from playing simple online games. They give you a penny when you join, or anytime you lose all your money. And you play games to win other people's pennies. As you make money, you can bet more money, and supposedly you can eventually win over $10 Million. Of course, to do that, you'd have to wager about $5 Million, but the fact is that it's possible.
You need an invitation to play moola.com, so if you want one, just email cc5alive@gmail.com. You also make a percentage of the money from the people you invite (which is why I'm so eager to give people invitations if they need them!).
Usersubmitter.com
I think the idea in this site is completely wrong and may ruin such wonderful sites as Digg.com, but it exists, and it's a pretty quick way to make a little bit of money. Basically, people pay Userubmitter to get their sites Dugg more often, and then people are paid by Usersubmitter for clicking the links.
NuTang.com
Everyone seems to love revenue-sharing services where the site makes money as the contributors do too (yay! everyone wins!). NuTang is a social site that pays you to use it - browse people's profiles and submit blog entries. Drive traffic to your pages, etc.
Some other favorites include the following:
Revver.com
Flixya.com
And here's a great page for maximizing your money from Google AdSense
This brand new site lets you make money from playing simple online games. They give you a penny when you join, or anytime you lose all your money. And you play games to win other people's pennies. As you make money, you can bet more money, and supposedly you can eventually win over $10 Million. Of course, to do that, you'd have to wager about $5 Million, but the fact is that it's possible.
You need an invitation to play moola.com, so if you want one, just email cc5alive@gmail.com. You also make a percentage of the money from the people you invite (which is why I'm so eager to give people invitations if they need them!).
Usersubmitter.com
I think the idea in this site is completely wrong and may ruin such wonderful sites as Digg.com, but it exists, and it's a pretty quick way to make a little bit of money. Basically, people pay Userubmitter to get their sites Dugg more often, and then people are paid by Usersubmitter for clicking the links.
NuTang.com
Everyone seems to love revenue-sharing services where the site makes money as the contributors do too (yay! everyone wins!). NuTang is a social site that pays you to use it - browse people's profiles and submit blog entries. Drive traffic to your pages, etc.
Some other favorites include the following:
Revver.com
Flixya.com
And here's a great page for maximizing your money from Google AdSense
9/01/2006
8/07/2006
Lollapalooza - Day 3
I can't express how great this last day was in words. I wish I had a series of appropriate hieroglyphics that expressed my feelings. So I will try to describe hieroglyphics to explain my feelings.
The Redwalls - A little boy kicking a soccer ball. A girl holding a lollipop. A pheonix.
The Benevento-Russo Duo - Bongo drum. Bass drum. Cymbal. Smiley face.
Ben Kweller - A red mop. A Native American riding a bull. A red cheeseburger.
Andrew Bird - A giant stage with eyelashes. An angel. A cure for cancer.
Matisyahu - A yarmulke. A hose spraying tulips with gentle drops of live-giving water. A goldfish.
Wilco - A volcano. A sea of hands. A zeppelin. A hammock.
Broken Social Scene - A baby duck mounted on a wall.
Red Hot Chili Peppers - A pill with a smiley face (ecstasy). Fireworks. Clouds. A little Buddha.
What an amazing three days.
The Redwalls - A little boy kicking a soccer ball. A girl holding a lollipop. A pheonix.
The Benevento-Russo Duo - Bongo drum. Bass drum. Cymbal. Smiley face.
Ben Kweller - A red mop. A Native American riding a bull. A red cheeseburger.
Andrew Bird - A giant stage with eyelashes. An angel. A cure for cancer.
Matisyahu - A yarmulke. A hose spraying tulips with gentle drops of live-giving water. A goldfish.
Wilco - A volcano. A sea of hands. A zeppelin. A hammock.
Broken Social Scene - A baby duck mounted on a wall.
Red Hot Chili Peppers - A pill with a smiley face (ecstasy). Fireworks. Clouds. A little Buddha.
What an amazing three days.
8/06/2006
Lollapalooza - Day 2
The Go! Team - Super peppy. I felt like they were a 3-D animated cartoon. I have a suspicion that they are very big in Japan.
Built to Spill - Yawn.
Gnarls Barkley - I was super close to the stage for this one and it was well worth it. The most fun show of the weekend for me. Cee-lo has a ridiculous voice and Danger Mouse was working all kinds of equipment that I could not name. Everyone was hyped for the whole set. At one point Cee-lo suggested that all the girls should take their tops off. No one did.
The Flaming Lips - Their show seemed like an acid trip. Wayne Coyne started by floating through the crowd in a clear, inflated ball. On stage Santas and aliens danced. An inflated alien, Santa, and two robots stood erect behind the band. At least 25 giant blue balls bounced through the audience. Green, yellow and white smoke periodically poured off the stage. Confetti and streamers flew through the air every minute or two. It was a fantastic production.
The New Pornographers - Fantastic absolutely jamming out set.
Kanye West - Every other song had a guest appearance. He had a very high energy show. It was also very obvious what a "white" concert Lollapalooza because when he had everyone's hands waving in the air, it looked like a bunch of albino cilia around a cell. Kanye even said something along the lines of "Sing along white people. This is the only time you can say nigga and not get in trouble."
Built to Spill - Yawn.
Gnarls Barkley - I was super close to the stage for this one and it was well worth it. The most fun show of the weekend for me. Cee-lo has a ridiculous voice and Danger Mouse was working all kinds of equipment that I could not name. Everyone was hyped for the whole set. At one point Cee-lo suggested that all the girls should take their tops off. No one did.
The Flaming Lips - Their show seemed like an acid trip. Wayne Coyne started by floating through the crowd in a clear, inflated ball. On stage Santas and aliens danced. An inflated alien, Santa, and two robots stood erect behind the band. At least 25 giant blue balls bounced through the audience. Green, yellow and white smoke periodically poured off the stage. Confetti and streamers flew through the air every minute or two. It was a fantastic production.
The New Pornographers - Fantastic absolutely jamming out set.
Kanye West - Every other song had a guest appearance. He had a very high energy show. It was also very obvious what a "white" concert Lollapalooza because when he had everyone's hands waving in the air, it looked like a bunch of albino cilia around a cell. Kanye even said something along the lines of "Sing along white people. This is the only time you can say nigga and not get in trouble."
8/05/2006
Lollapalooza - Day 1
Here are the bands I saw and what I thought of them:
Anathallo - Never heard of them before, but they were very impressive. Jamming out on xylophones, trumpets, and trombones, along with more traditional instruments, they were the biggest surprise of the concert. They had even choreographed some dance moves and threw some balloons in the crowd. The balloons really did it for me.
The eels - Just like e.e. cummings, the eels choose to have two lowercase e's. The band was a little bit heavier than the music I like, but they had a very interesting dynamic with a security guard/performer. A man they called "Crazy Al" acted like a guard for a while but would periodically dance like a mad man. And between songs he would go to a mic and say non sequiturs like "Is that cocktail sauce?" He also put on a rubber glove to give high fives to the audience and filled people mouths with whipped cream. He was also capable enough to play a tamborine.
The Editors - I almost left after a few uninspiring songs. Not a big fan, but they pulled out some good rock later.
Ryan Adams - He was wasted on stage and it showed.
My Morning Jacket - Very jammin.
Sleater-Kinney - Three girls formed a rock band. Lesbians love them. The rest of the world thinks they sound like shrieking ghouls.
Anathallo - Never heard of them before, but they were very impressive. Jamming out on xylophones, trumpets, and trombones, along with more traditional instruments, they were the biggest surprise of the concert. They had even choreographed some dance moves and threw some balloons in the crowd. The balloons really did it for me.
The eels - Just like e.e. cummings, the eels choose to have two lowercase e's. The band was a little bit heavier than the music I like, but they had a very interesting dynamic with a security guard/performer. A man they called "Crazy Al" acted like a guard for a while but would periodically dance like a mad man. And between songs he would go to a mic and say non sequiturs like "Is that cocktail sauce?" He also put on a rubber glove to give high fives to the audience and filled people mouths with whipped cream. He was also capable enough to play a tamborine.
The Editors - I almost left after a few uninspiring songs. Not a big fan, but they pulled out some good rock later.
Ryan Adams - He was wasted on stage and it showed.
My Morning Jacket - Very jammin.
Sleater-Kinney - Three girls formed a rock band. Lesbians love them. The rest of the world thinks they sound like shrieking ghouls.
7/31/2006
Joe Pug Music
If you get a chance, you should really check out the music of this UNC alumnus - Joe Pug at joepugmusic.com.
Click here to sample a bunch of his stellar country tunes.
Joe is going on his first tour this month. He's dirty dirty.
Click here to sample a bunch of his stellar country tunes.
Joe is going on his first tour this month. He's dirty dirty.
7/29/2006
Carpeted Afterhours
Yesterday I had my first experience with film. I was in a short film project best described as a TV pilot (will it end up as one?) called Carpeted Afterhours.
I got to the destination in downtown Chicago at 12:45 having been told that the shoot would start at 1:00, but it actually started at 2:00. So I waited.
Once the crew of maybe 20 people showed up I put on a collared shirt, got dabbed with make-up, and then went through some rehearsal takes of the silent role that I had. Then they shot a few takes of each of the scenes I was in which total to be about 30 seconds long. And it only took 2.5 hours!
So be on the lookout for Carpeted Afterhours. It may be hard to find.
I got to the destination in downtown Chicago at 12:45 having been told that the shoot would start at 1:00, but it actually started at 2:00. So I waited.
Once the crew of maybe 20 people showed up I put on a collared shirt, got dabbed with make-up, and then went through some rehearsal takes of the silent role that I had. Then they shot a few takes of each of the scenes I was in which total to be about 30 seconds long. And it only took 2.5 hours!
So be on the lookout for Carpeted Afterhours. It may be hard to find.
7/24/2006
Shrimp Test
I am allergic to shellfish, but I had not broken out in years and a few days ago I thought to myself, "Hey, maybe you've outgrown your allergies." So I decided to test it.
I rubbed fried shrimp all over my forearm after lunch and waited. Nothing for a while. Then I rubbed more shrimp on it. Then I broke out.
So I'm still allergic.
I rubbed fried shrimp all over my forearm after lunch and waited. Nothing for a while. Then I rubbed more shrimp on it. Then I broke out.
So I'm still allergic.
7/16/2006
7/12/2006
I Didn't Know It Was Disgusting Until I Was Knee Deep
I learned something interesting about the beaches in Chicago - and I use the term beach loosely because it's actually just sandy ground touching Lake Michigan. Anyway, the water around the beach occasionally becomes infested/saturated/covered in E. coli.
Emily and I discovered this as we began wading into the water. Lifeguards were staring at us from a distance as if to say, "Stop. But we don't really care." After plenty of time for the germs to infect all of our open wounds and pores, a lady came over and kindly told us that we should not be in the water... it was an E. coli day.
Apparently it is common place to actually check the news before swimming to get an E. coli report. Imagining how silly this is, I created a meter that could be in the corner of your TV (or even a Firefox Plug-in) to warn you about the daily bacteria.
Emily and I discovered this as we began wading into the water. Lifeguards were staring at us from a distance as if to say, "Stop. But we don't really care." After plenty of time for the germs to infect all of our open wounds and pores, a lady came over and kindly told us that we should not be in the water... it was an E. coli day.
Apparently it is common place to actually check the news before swimming to get an E. coli report. Imagining how silly this is, I created a meter that could be in the corner of your TV (or even a Firefox Plug-in) to warn you about the daily bacteria.
7/06/2006
Celebrity Spotting
I was biking along Lake Michigan today when I passed someone jogging who looked an awful lot like Will Ferrell. But it couldn't be...
I stared awkwardly at who is probably my favorite funny man of all time. I wasn't sure so I rode my bike up ahead and parked it and stared at him. He looked about 6'2" which I knew was Will Ferrell's height (don't ask). I stared him down... and confirmed that it was undoubtedly my comic hero.
I thought about riding my bike into him so that I could make physical contact, but I realized that would have been foolish. He turned around and started running the opposite direction and I got one more look at him. Definitely Will.
I stared awkwardly at who is probably my favorite funny man of all time. I wasn't sure so I rode my bike up ahead and parked it and stared at him. He looked about 6'2" which I knew was Will Ferrell's height (don't ask). I stared him down... and confirmed that it was undoubtedly my comic hero.
I thought about riding my bike into him so that I could make physical contact, but I realized that would have been foolish. He turned around and started running the opposite direction and I got one more look at him. Definitely Will.
TJ and Dave
I took this pic last night at one of the greatest shows in all of Chicago, "TJ and Dave." These two performers improvise a series of scenes and characters for an hour, and they are basically as good as it gets.
In the show last night, two brothers who were trying to start a lawn-mowing empire went to a movie theater and hung out with Neko, a Greek stoner who sold tickets, and "Fat Linda," who both of the brothers had crushes on.
Favorite line: "I wish we lived in a state that sold fireworks."
7/05/2006
Gay Mass
My friend Emily went to mass on Sunday evening at church she had never been to. She looked around as she entered the church and saw almost only men. Shortly after mass began, she realized that she had come to mass that was targeted just for gays and lesbians. Being a conservative, traditional girl, she was totally embarrassed. From this story we can assume the following:
* Lesbians are more atheistic than male homosexuals.
* The church hates/loves homesexuals.
* Girls are always wrong.
* Sunday evenings should be reserved for Desperate Housewives and Gray's Anatomy.
* Lesbians are more atheistic than male homosexuals.
* The church hates/loves homesexuals.
* Girls are always wrong.
* Sunday evenings should be reserved for Desperate Housewives and Gray's Anatomy.
7/04/2006
Drunk Convos are Best
Here are some excerpts from a conversation I had with a friend:
"Yeah, sasquatch balls."
"I threw a medicine ball at my sister today, and that's not even a drunk exaggeration."
"I transcended the cunt."
"Yeah, sasquatch balls."
"I threw a medicine ball at my sister today, and that's not even a drunk exaggeration."
"I transcended the cunt."
7/02/2006
Taco Bell Riot
I went to Taco Bell drunk last night and they wouldn't serve me french fries on my taco, mainly because they don't have french fries at Taco Bell. So I got the restaurant to chant "Chick-Fil-A, Chick-Fil-A!" in an act of rebellion. Eventually a cop came and made me quit chanting because she thought that I was going to start some kind of fast food riot.
7/01/2006
Two Many Lines (Keypad)
-------------------------
===============
===============
-------------------------
The day the Department of Transportation painted two sets of double lines on the road there were a lot of crashes. People learned not to use the middle lane.
===============
===============
-------------------------
The day the Department of Transportation painted two sets of double lines on the road there were a lot of crashes. People learned not to use the middle lane.
The Most Dangerous Addiction
It's not what you think. Sometimes the most dangerous addictions are in the most unexpected places. And I have recently fallen victim to MySpace.
At first I just wanted to make a profile to show some videos and post some jokes in an area with more traffic than this blog... but that was just the beginning. Soon I started browsing stranger's profiles. Then I started requesting strangers to be my friend. Next thing you know, I'm browsing the citizens of Latvia and Croatia because I want a more diverse group of friends.
Now I've hit rock-bottom. I'm requesting 300-500 people to be my friend a day. I post things to the MySpace blog. Silly things. I'm responding to people's messages on MySpace. I'm even thinking about changing my page layout. I don't think I'll be satisfied until I have more friends than Dane Cook.
By the way, if anyone wants to fuel my addiction:
www.myspace.com/ccpearce
At first I just wanted to make a profile to show some videos and post some jokes in an area with more traffic than this blog... but that was just the beginning. Soon I started browsing stranger's profiles. Then I started requesting strangers to be my friend. Next thing you know, I'm browsing the citizens of Latvia and Croatia because I want a more diverse group of friends.
Now I've hit rock-bottom. I'm requesting 300-500 people to be my friend a day. I post things to the MySpace blog. Silly things. I'm responding to people's messages on MySpace. I'm even thinking about changing my page layout. I don't think I'll be satisfied until I have more friends than Dane Cook.
By the way, if anyone wants to fuel my addiction:
www.myspace.com/ccpearce
6/29/2006
AOL in Bad Shape
Please read this funny (spoof) article:
40% of AOL Users Don't Own a Computer
At first I thought this was real, which would have made it the most embarrassing thing that I had ever heard. Here's a great quote from the story:
40% of AOL Users Don't Own a Computer
At first I thought this was real, which would have made it the most embarrassing thing that I had ever heard. Here's a great quote from the story:
"I kind of thought it was like subscribing to the yellow pages. We kept getting copies of the phone book, so I thought AOL was doing that. I also wanted the virus protection, because it was flu season."Just imagine paying a monthly bill for something you've never received, seen, or even understood.
Shelden "Logo"
This is the logo that is on my new merchandise that you can buy here. Otherwise, just enjoy the fact that I made it and it can be bought.
The store is hosted by cafepress.com and called the "Shelden Williams Hater Store."
I'm not sure if everyone will realize the significance of this... you can literally buy a teddy bear, clock, shirt, bag, pillow, button, journal, or even an APRON with this logo on it. If you dislike the guy, check it out!
6/28/2006
Cafepress Shop and Shelden Williams
OK, so I just opened a new cafepress.com store. You can just click here if you want to check out the merchandise that I've designed so far. If you want to buy something in my "Shelden Hater" store, then various hats, shirts, buttons, etc. are available with the the sentence, "Please, don't drink when you're pregnant" followed by Shelden William's picture.
I'm having trouble uploading the graphic that is on the merchandise, but I will upload it as soon as blogger.com will let me.
I'm having trouble uploading the graphic that is on the merchandise, but I will upload it as soon as blogger.com will let me.
Tents (Keypad)
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ > ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
A strong gust of wind knocked over Running Bull's tent.
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ > > > > > >
In a fit of rage, Running Bull decided to knock down the rest of the tents to the east of him.
A strong gust of wind knocked over Running Bull's tent.
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ > > > > > >
In a fit of rage, Running Bull decided to knock down the rest of the tents to the east of him.
6/24/2006
Toupee (Keypad)
~
____________
Jared knew that he would never recover his toupee once it was flying in the wind.
____________
Jared knew that he would never recover his toupee once it was flying in the wind.
Snow (Keypad)
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *
___________
snow storm
or
a plinko board
* * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *
___________
snow storm
or
a plinko board
New Style - Keypad
I am going to try a new style for a little while where I use computer keys and symbols to express humor via story or abstract concept. For example:
& & &
After ruining three consecutive pretzels, Gary decided to close down his bakery early that day.
& & &
After ruining three consecutive pretzels, Gary decided to close down his bakery early that day.
6/21/2006
My Stolen Bike
Basically, my bike was stolen today. I'm angry. What else can I say?
In more positive news, I saw a show called "Pimprov" last night where a 5 guys pretend to be pimps doing improvisation. It was great - they even took a break in the show and shared champagne with a bunch of people in the audience.
But my bike is still missing.
In more positive news, I saw a show called "Pimprov" last night where a 5 guys pretend to be pimps doing improvisation. It was great - they even took a break in the show and shared champagne with a bunch of people in the audience.
But my bike is still missing.
6/19/2006
Quick Update
Emily Brown and I have moved up to Chicago successfully. So far I have done the following:
* Gone to a Cubs game against the Detroit Tigers (got stomped)
* Rode a bike tour of the city with a bunch of British tourists
* Auditioned for a student film that is based on HBO's "Mr. Show"
* Saw a Second City Mainstage show
* Saw some of the dirtiest/worst improv of my life at i.O.'s improv jam
My classes at Second City start tomorrow!
P.S. The United States sucks a fatty at soccer.
* Gone to a Cubs game against the Detroit Tigers (got stomped)
* Rode a bike tour of the city with a bunch of British tourists
* Auditioned for a student film that is based on HBO's "Mr. Show"
* Saw a Second City Mainstage show
* Saw some of the dirtiest/worst improv of my life at i.O.'s improv jam
My classes at Second City start tomorrow!
P.S. The United States sucks a fatty at soccer.
6/18/2006
Carnival of Comedy
There is this thing called the Carnival of Comedy. I'm not going to explain it to you. But check it out in my sidebar.
By the way, I don't get any revenue or anything if you click the link to Carnival of Comedy, but I do if you click the ads at the very bottom of the page! So I encourage that.
Whatever.
By the way, I don't get any revenue or anything if you click the link to Carnival of Comedy, but I do if you click the ads at the very bottom of the page! So I encourage that.
Whatever.
6/16/2006
6/14/2006
Shoulda Said
Here is an improv game we played in a show called "Shoulda Said." It's called by David Greenslade and the players are Dave Siegel, Kyle Chorpening, and me.
Dance Dance Pud
I realize I've been posting a lot of movies lately, but this trend is likely to continue as it is remarkably entertaining. This video is a music video of a friend doing ridiculous things while drinking heavily to a gay techno song.
6/12/2006
Eggnog Challenge
I just edited this video from last fall when we chugged eggnog and milk to promote a chips event. One place that eggnog should never be is in a beer bong...
6/11/2006
The Great Case Race - Pud v. Hunter
Who can drink 24 beers first? It won't be the guy who drank 9 beers, smoked up, and ate a large pizza right before the race.
6/08/2006
Last Comic Standing - Eating My Organs?
I finally edited a clip from the episode of Last Comic Standing where I look like an idiot. I have set up a link to ZippyVideos.com, but I will try to find a way to present this clip in my blog.
CC Screws Up His Audition
Also, I know I put an extra space between the quotation mark and the "L" in Last. I'll fix that too.
CC Screws Up His Audition
Also, I know I put an extra space between the quotation mark and the "L" in Last. I'll fix that too.
6/02/2006
Dating Oprah
In a couple weeks I'm moving to Chicago for the summer. There I will be taking classes in comedy improvisation and will have an abundance of free time. To fill this free time I have made a list of SUMMER CHALLENGES that I will complete before August 15th.
These are the tentative goals:
1. Ask out Oprah on a date (without being snipered).
2. Get on stage with any band during Lollapalooza.
3. Streak somewhere crowded.
4. Bunjee jump.
5. Protest something.
6. Have acupuncture.
7. Have my fortune told and film it.
Specifics shall be added and more goals shall be listed. All the updates on my progress will be on this blogaroo.
These are the tentative goals:
1. Ask out Oprah on a date (without being snipered).
2. Get on stage with any band during Lollapalooza.
3. Streak somewhere crowded.
4. Bunjee jump.
5. Protest something.
6. Have acupuncture.
7. Have my fortune told and film it.
Specifics shall be added and more goals shall be listed. All the updates on my progress will be on this blogaroo.
6/01/2006
The New William Hung... Me
If you happened to watch Last Comic Standing on May 30, you would have seen a lot of funny people on the show. You also would have seen me.
Though I have not yet seen the episode, I have been told my numerous people that I was on the show briefly. It was long enough to tell a joke and then be told that the talent scout would rather eat his own organs that listen to me tell jokes. Ouch.
As soon as I can, I'll post a video clip of the debacle in my blog, so stay tuned...
Though I have not yet seen the episode, I have been told my numerous people that I was on the show briefly. It was long enough to tell a joke and then be told that the talent scout would rather eat his own organs that listen to me tell jokes. Ouch.
As soon as I can, I'll post a video clip of the debacle in my blog, so stay tuned...
5/25/2006
Pain in the Rear
My crotch region hates me right now. Everything down there hurts from having the bike seat bounce underneath me for hours at a time. I think I would be in more comfort if someone had just swung a medieval mace into my butt. I think I'm getting more calloused though as we go on, so by the end of the trip someone probably will be able to hit me in the butt with a mace and I won't flinch.
Also, I used something called "Butt Butter" today to help lubricate everything so I don't hurt as much. It's not working, but it makes me feel like I'm sweating a lot.
Realization: with the umlauts over letters in German words, there is a whole new level of emoticons available. Check out the difference.
American emoticon - :o
German emoticon - ö
And this one is German with a big nose
ü
Also, I used something called "Butt Butter" today to help lubricate everything so I don't hurt as much. It's not working, but it makes me feel like I'm sweating a lot.
Realization: with the umlauts over letters in German words, there is a whole new level of emoticons available. Check out the difference.
American emoticon - :o
German emoticon - ö
And this one is German with a big nose
ü
5/22/2006
Biking Begins
Yesterday I met everyone in my biking group that is going to ride from Vienna, Austria to Piran, Slovenia. There is a friendly guy from San Francisco who reminds me of the boss from Office Space if he did a lot of drugs. Also there is computer-oriented guy who checks his watch every minute or so and says things that he thinks are hilarious such as, "That depends on if the UK is considered part of Europe." I have not laughed at that joke yet even though he has said it three times.
We started off the trip with a night 30 mile day to get used to everything. Then today they decided to shred our hineys by giving us a 49 mile ride through hilly terrain and cold rain. My quads feel pulverized and it's nice to be sitting down on something that isn't wedged between my blistering cheeks.
I'm nervous about the rest of the trip because everyone is in much better condition than I am and doesn't seem to be intimidated after this day of gladitorial efforts. I'm going to limp to bed...
We started off the trip with a night 30 mile day to get used to everything. Then today they decided to shred our hineys by giving us a 49 mile ride through hilly terrain and cold rain. My quads feel pulverized and it's nice to be sitting down on something that isn't wedged between my blistering cheeks.
I'm nervous about the rest of the trip because everyone is in much better condition than I am and doesn't seem to be intimidated after this day of gladitorial efforts. I'm going to limp to bed...
5/21/2006
Eating Lots of Wiener (Schnitzel)
When we first got into Vienna I thought the place seemed very hostile because everywhere I looked, signs said "Die" on them. After asking a native, she said that it meant "the" and I could stop worrying. Needless to say, I blushed.
So far my German vocabulary includes the following words: die, nazi, wiener shnitzel, and joop, although I don't actually know what the last one means. And instead of "hello" they say "hallo." So I picked up on that.
I ate a ton of weiner in Vienna. Every chance I could I ate weiner. The only place they didn't serve it was at this Asian restaurant we went to one night. Other than that, I was stuffed full of weiner.
So far my German vocabulary includes the following words: die, nazi, wiener shnitzel, and joop, although I don't actually know what the last one means. And instead of "hello" they say "hallo." So I picked up on that.
I ate a ton of weiner in Vienna. Every chance I could I ate weiner. The only place they didn't serve it was at this Asian restaurant we went to one night. Other than that, I was stuffed full of weiner.
5/20/2006
To Frankfurt and Beyond
So on my flight to Frankfurt, Germany I fell asleep pretty quickly. And what did I wake up to? Some guy screaming "Help!" as someone literally passed out in the aisle beside me. The guy was okay. The last thing I remember before falling back asleep was some lady giving her prescription sleep medication to her neighbor (a stranger) who asked if she could try it.
As we arrived in Germany, I couldn't help but thinking one thing: This place smells like Pet Smart. It truly did. And since I had just buzzed my head, I walked cautiously through the airport aware of my neo-nazi haircut.
The soldiers in the airport have an interesting fashion sense. It appears they are still stuck in the trend of camouflage from 5 years ago... but not the normal one. I'm talking about the camouflage that is shades of blue so the only thing you could hide in is a cloudy sky.
New favorite word: Joop.
New goal: Figure out how to turn colons sideways and put them over the letter "u."
Next stop: Vienna, Austria
As we arrived in Germany, I couldn't help but thinking one thing: This place smells like Pet Smart. It truly did. And since I had just buzzed my head, I walked cautiously through the airport aware of my neo-nazi haircut.
The soldiers in the airport have an interesting fashion sense. It appears they are still stuck in the trend of camouflage from 5 years ago... but not the normal one. I'm talking about the camouflage that is shades of blue so the only thing you could hide in is a cloudy sky.
New favorite word: Joop.
New goal: Figure out how to turn colons sideways and put them over the letter "u."
Next stop: Vienna, Austria
5/17/2006
High Adventure
Here's the lowdown: last week I went scuba diving in Key Largo and today I'm leaving to go biking for two weeks from Vienna to Venice. Awesome.
There's more to come soon, but here's the gist of the scuba trip: Everyone was an idiot and kicked me in the face a million times with their fins while we were diving. And it was really beautiful and fun. And I had an allergic reaction to my dinner and broke out in rash one night.
Here is basically what will happen over the next two weeks: My dad is in shape and will dominate me every day on the bike. The only athletic thing I've done in the last month was to play a pick up game of kickball. And I also jumped up and down a lot after the season finale of The Office. And I will eat strange sausage-like things.
Cheers!
There's more to come soon, but here's the gist of the scuba trip: Everyone was an idiot and kicked me in the face a million times with their fins while we were diving. And it was really beautiful and fun. And I had an allergic reaction to my dinner and broke out in rash one night.
Here is basically what will happen over the next two weeks: My dad is in shape and will dominate me every day on the bike. The only athletic thing I've done in the last month was to play a pick up game of kickball. And I also jumped up and down a lot after the season finale of The Office. And I will eat strange sausage-like things.
Cheers!
5/13/2006
Sports Announcer Brilliance #1
As a new section of this blog, I will periodically post the ridiculous things that sports announcers say. Announcers mainly have to fill up air time with their voice, so a great deal of their comments are pure garbage... like this gem:
The rain in San Francisco is wet. You can get soaked just walking to your car.
5/09/2006
Dense Dog with Panties
My family recently got a puggle (a cross between a pug and a beagle) at my home, and he turned out to be a very dense animal. For example, earlier today he ran full speed into a wall while chasing a ping pong ball. Perhaps even more concerning is the fact that the 8 pound monster ate a pair of my sister's panties. He choked a little and ultimately swallowed the whole thing. So now he might die, but we're hoping he will somehow digest the panties. Let's hope the panties aren't as dense as he is.
5/05/2006
It's a Cheese Joke
I'm lactose intolerant and I don't like to get my picture taken. Once we were taking a family picture and everyone said, "Cheeeeese." I vomited all over the deck.
4/15/2006
Car Wash
I'm not sure who is dumber - me or whoever of my friends left the back window down. If you can't tell where this story is going... I went and got a car wash with the window down yesterday. I should have noticed when the machine sprays that soap at first, but I didn't. It wasn't until the high-pressure hoses started spraying inside my car and I felt the back of my head getting blasted - yes, that was when I noticed. And since I don't have power windows, I had to turn around with my face in the spraying water and manually crank up with window. I'm not giving anymore rides.
4/11/2006
Comment of the Day
This is a quote from one of my business classes:
Isn't Kenan-Flagler impressive?
Sales increased by over 1000%. That's like a really big percent, especially relative to other sales that are smaller.
Isn't Kenan-Flagler impressive?
4/10/2006
Incubators Hatch at DSI
CHiPs Incubators had a show tonight at the DSI Comedy Theater in Carrboro, and let me just say... WOW. They absolutely rocked. This is the team that feeds in to CHiPs proper, and is currently coached by Kyle Chorpening and me (I'm the assistant coach). Every game was played to a hilarious extent. This group is utterly stellar in every sense.
Josh, Madeline, Ben, Reid, William, Jaki, Jen, Shane, and Russell, congratulations on an amazing first performance as members of the CHiPs family.
Josh, Madeline, Ben, Reid, William, Jaki, Jen, Shane, and Russell, congratulations on an amazing first performance as members of the CHiPs family.
4/08/2006
Bad Ass Coffee
Bad Ass Coffee Co.
The link above goes to an article about a coffee shop that has just opened up called "Bad Ass Coffee Co." What can I even say?
(Thanks to fark.com for the link!)
All-American Metro
I just wanted to make sure everyone got a chance to see J.J. Redick in his true form, as a flaming homosexual. And I don't mean homosexual in the literal sense, but in the mean, derogatory sense, like the way a circle of drunk fraternity brothers would describe a guy with a greasy mohawk holding an anti-Bush sign.
3/25/2006
Gong Show Details
YOU are cordially invited to the GREATEST COMEDY EVENT ON THIS EARTH! You can PERFORM or just come and enjoy the show!
CHiPs, Nourish International, and the General Alumni Association present . . .
THE GONG SHOW!!!
WHAT? Campus celebrities and student comedians will be given five minutes to make the audience laugh as hard as possible. If a punch line flops or an act misfires, the audience begin to jeer until five judges, selected at random from the audience, decide it's time for the next act! Hence, the ominous "Gooooong! sound, and the performer must leave the stage! But best of all, anyone can sign up to perform in The Gong Show! So what are you waiting for!?!?!
WHEN and WHERE? At 8pm, this Wednesday, March 29th, 2006, the sound of the gong will reign almighty in The Great Hall!
WHY? The proceeds from this fun night of heckling and hilarity will go to Kanyenyeva Orphan Care Ministries (KOCM), which is supporting orphaned Malawian children during the current food crisis in sub-Saharan Africa.
WANNA GET IN ON THE ACTION? Sign up to perform stand-up comedy, improvisation, or anything that will make the audience laugh, at our pit table or email ccpearce@email.unc.edu with your name, number, and type of act.
TICKETS ON SALE NOW IN THE PIT (11am-2pm, 3/23-2/24, 3/27-3/28)! $4 each in the pit ($3 for GAA members), $5 at the door. (They're CHEAP, and, of course, it's for a great cause!)
SPECIAL BONUS! Free Red Bull for all performers!!
GONG!
CHiPs, Nourish International, and the General Alumni Association present . . .
THE GONG SHOW!!!
WHAT? Campus celebrities and student comedians will be given five minutes to make the audience laugh as hard as possible. If a punch line flops or an act misfires, the audience begin to jeer until five judges, selected at random from the audience, decide it's time for the next act! Hence, the ominous "Gooooong! sound, and the performer must leave the stage! But best of all, anyone can sign up to perform in The Gong Show! So what are you waiting for!?!?!
WHEN and WHERE? At 8pm, this Wednesday, March 29th, 2006, the sound of the gong will reign almighty in The Great Hall!
WHY? The proceeds from this fun night of heckling and hilarity will go to Kanyenyeva Orphan Care Ministries (KOCM), which is supporting orphaned Malawian children during the current food crisis in sub-Saharan Africa.
WANNA GET IN ON THE ACTION? Sign up to perform stand-up comedy, improvisation, or anything that will make the audience laugh, at our pit table or email ccpearce@email.unc.edu with your name, number, and type of act.
TICKETS ON SALE NOW IN THE PIT (11am-2pm, 3/23-2/24, 3/27-3/28)! $4 each in the pit ($3 for GAA members), $5 at the door. (They're CHEAP, and, of course, it's for a great cause!)
SPECIAL BONUS! Free Red Bull for all performers!!
GONG!
3/20/2006
Friends' Spring Breaks
My friends had some interesting Spring Breaks. Here are some of the highlights:
Friend 1: I hit a guy over the break.
Me: You got in a fight?
Friend 1: No, I hit a guy in my car. We were going like 45 mph and some drunk guy was asking for it.
Friend 2: Guess how fucked up I got? I shat blood.
Friend 3: ...and then he passed out in the back of the cab and the Mexican started driving off...
And for Friend 4, I'll let this picture speak for himself.
Friend 1: I hit a guy over the break.
Me: You got in a fight?
Friend 1: No, I hit a guy in my car. We were going like 45 mph and some drunk guy was asking for it.
Friend 2: Guess how fucked up I got? I shat blood.
Friend 3: ...and then he passed out in the back of the cab and the Mexican started driving off...
And for Friend 4, I'll let this picture speak for himself.
3/19/2006
Sunday Jokes
I think I'll start posting new jokes regularly on Sundays. How does that sound? Oh, who am I talking to? No one even reads this thing.
This time I'm going to show three versions of the same joke. Tell me which one is the best.
1. My roommate told me that I cock-blocked him the other night. I gave a fist pump and said, "Booyah, I'm averaging 4.5 cock-blocks a semester." Next year I'll probably be on the all-ACC team.
2. My roommate told me that I cock-blocked him the other night, but he works at Footlocker. I think a real ref would have called it a foul.
3. My roommate told me that I cock-blocked him the other night. I'm basically the Yao Ming of hook-ups.
This time I'm going to show three versions of the same joke. Tell me which one is the best.
1. My roommate told me that I cock-blocked him the other night. I gave a fist pump and said, "Booyah, I'm averaging 4.5 cock-blocks a semester." Next year I'll probably be on the all-ACC team.
2. My roommate told me that I cock-blocked him the other night, but he works at Footlocker. I think a real ref would have called it a foul.
3. My roommate told me that I cock-blocked him the other night. I'm basically the Yao Ming of hook-ups.
3/16/2006
Test pic
Apparently I can now send pictures from my cell phone to my blog. That's amazing. I can also send a voice mail to my blog. That is equally amazing. These features are incredibly useful. Somehow.
More Jokes
OK here are new jokes. Please give some feedback. I actually tried to use some of these during my auditions. Too bad I st-st-stuttered through it all.
1. I’m not a racist, but sometimes segregation is appropriate. I don’t think you can mix whites and coloreds in certain situations. Like in the washing machine. Or at a Crips gang initiation.
2. I think the bidet may be the greatest invention of all time. I asked for one for my birthday, but we’re on a budget, so I just got a detachable shower head.
3. I wasn’t looking for a needle in that haystack, but when I jumped in, I still got Hepatitis.
1. I’m not a racist, but sometimes segregation is appropriate. I don’t think you can mix whites and coloreds in certain situations. Like in the washing machine. Or at a Crips gang initiation.
2. I think the bidet may be the greatest invention of all time. I asked for one for my birthday, but we’re on a budget, so I just got a detachable shower head.
3. I wasn’t looking for a needle in that haystack, but when I jumped in, I still got Hepatitis.
3/12/2006
Last Comic Standing Auditions
So I did it. I went to Miami to audition for "Last Comic Standing." I wrote some jokes, practiced them, waited in line, and then choked like no other.
At 4:45 AM I got in line for auditions that began at 10:00 AM. When I put my name on the list, I was number 72. I sat down at the end of the line with a group of people with the same hopes as me. About 5-6 of formed a clique over the next few hours and talked to pass the time. There was a metro guy named Brian from L.A., a black lady named Dianne from Texas, a big guy named Matt also from Texas, and a goofy guy named Colin from Toronto with his dad.
Time passed slowly. As it got light, I started to practice my material more and more. I had prepared six jokes and a two-part prescription drug commercial bit. I rehearsed it in my head for hours on end.
Finally the production crew came out and made us get in a "single file" line. That lasted for less than four minutes. They came out and interviewed those of us who seemed interesting which included a midget, a woman playing a ukulele, and fat guy from Brooklyn who had a giant frisbee thing. He was obnoxious. I thought that a bald guy behind me named Drew was going to punch him in the face. I secretly wanted to Donkey Punch him.
I kept rehearsing and the line crept forward. People kept exiting with their heads hung. Everyone said that the judges consisted of one nice guy and one mean guy. Judging from others people advice I was able to deduce the following preferences:
1) No gay-bashing jokes.
2) No Schwarzenegger impressions (I can't believe people are still doing this).
3) Nothing creepy.
4) Be original.
About 12:30 PM I got in the building. I filled out some paperwork that basically said NBC could do whatever they wanted with my audition including, but not limited to, using my footage to promote the show or editing the audition to make me look like a jackass.
Finally I went in and started by routine. In the first line of my first joke I stuttered. BAD START. I managed to squeeze out the rest of the joke and then stutter through a second. Why was I so nervous? I didn't know. They even pointed it out and asked me why I was so nervous. Then they said give them one more joke. I STUTTERED through a third. WHAT WAS MY PROBLEM??
The good news was that one of the guys laughed at each of my jokes, but the bad news is that the other guy said he would rather eat his own organs than listen to me tell jokes. I think that was an exaggeration.
Then, in a moment of desperation, I told them I could improvise a joke on the spot; all they needed to do was give me a word. The mean guy said "Dean Smith" and I started to make up a joke based on a game I play in CHiPs. Only problem was that I blanked and couldn't think of anything. So I just said, "Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina" and then I walked offstage without waiting to hear a response.
A flight to Miami, two hours of sleep, and eight hours in line, and I ruined my three minutes to become a celebrity. Basically I bombed. And now that I write that word, the Department of Homeland Security is going to shut down my blog.
At 4:45 AM I got in line for auditions that began at 10:00 AM. When I put my name on the list, I was number 72. I sat down at the end of the line with a group of people with the same hopes as me. About 5-6 of formed a clique over the next few hours and talked to pass the time. There was a metro guy named Brian from L.A., a black lady named Dianne from Texas, a big guy named Matt also from Texas, and a goofy guy named Colin from Toronto with his dad.
Time passed slowly. As it got light, I started to practice my material more and more. I had prepared six jokes and a two-part prescription drug commercial bit. I rehearsed it in my head for hours on end.
Finally the production crew came out and made us get in a "single file" line. That lasted for less than four minutes. They came out and interviewed those of us who seemed interesting which included a midget, a woman playing a ukulele, and fat guy from Brooklyn who had a giant frisbee thing. He was obnoxious. I thought that a bald guy behind me named Drew was going to punch him in the face. I secretly wanted to Donkey Punch him.
I kept rehearsing and the line crept forward. People kept exiting with their heads hung. Everyone said that the judges consisted of one nice guy and one mean guy. Judging from others people advice I was able to deduce the following preferences:
1) No gay-bashing jokes.
2) No Schwarzenegger impressions (I can't believe people are still doing this).
3) Nothing creepy.
4) Be original.
About 12:30 PM I got in the building. I filled out some paperwork that basically said NBC could do whatever they wanted with my audition including, but not limited to, using my footage to promote the show or editing the audition to make me look like a jackass.
Finally I went in and started by routine. In the first line of my first joke I stuttered. BAD START. I managed to squeeze out the rest of the joke and then stutter through a second. Why was I so nervous? I didn't know. They even pointed it out and asked me why I was so nervous. Then they said give them one more joke. I STUTTERED through a third. WHAT WAS MY PROBLEM??
The good news was that one of the guys laughed at each of my jokes, but the bad news is that the other guy said he would rather eat his own organs than listen to me tell jokes. I think that was an exaggeration.
Then, in a moment of desperation, I told them I could improvise a joke on the spot; all they needed to do was give me a word. The mean guy said "Dean Smith" and I started to make up a joke based on a game I play in CHiPs. Only problem was that I blanked and couldn't think of anything. So I just said, "Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina" and then I walked offstage without waiting to hear a response.
A flight to Miami, two hours of sleep, and eight hours in line, and I ruined my three minutes to become a celebrity. Basically I bombed. And now that I write that word, the Department of Homeland Security is going to shut down my blog.
3/06/2006
New Jokes
I'm working on some jokes - corny one-liners to be specific. I'm going to leave three at a time. Please leave me some feedback via "comments" so I'll know which ones are garbage and which ones are glorious (if any).
1. Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest is reinforced by the fact that there are no red-headed matadors.
2. Any sentence that begins with, “Not to brag or anything…” is definitely bragging. You hear people say things like, “Not to brag, but I got into Yale,” or, “Not to brag, but I ran a marathon.” You just don’t hear people saying, “Not to brag, but I brushed my teeth. It was no big deal.”
3. Road kill tends to be in the middle of the road. I imagine there must be a lot of drunk drivers or sober motorcyclists.
1. Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest is reinforced by the fact that there are no red-headed matadors.
2. Any sentence that begins with, “Not to brag or anything…” is definitely bragging. You hear people say things like, “Not to brag, but I got into Yale,” or, “Not to brag, but I ran a marathon.” You just don’t hear people saying, “Not to brag, but I brushed my teeth. It was no big deal.”
3. Road kill tends to be in the middle of the road. I imagine there must be a lot of drunk drivers or sober motorcyclists.
2/26/2006
Cinnalergic
This is a true conversation between two of my friends that I heard last night. To get the full effect, imagine both of these people out-of-their-minds-drunk and slurring their speech.
Kristen: I'm allergic to cinnamon, but I love Big Red, so I'm just going to chew it anyway.
Jared: (yelling) YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, YOU CRAZY BITCH!
Kristen: No, my tongue's just going to swell up really big and my throat will itch.
Kristen: I'm allergic to cinnamon, but I love Big Red, so I'm just going to chew it anyway.
Jared: (yelling) YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, YOU CRAZY BITCH!
Kristen: No, my tongue's just going to swell up really big and my throat will itch.
Dirty South Improv Festival
The original intent of this blog was to highlight things I do related to comedy. Getting back to the roots, Dirty South Improv Festival went on this entire week. Improv teams from all over the country came and performed. Some of them were amazing - Upright Citizen's Brigade and The Reckoning come to mind - and some of them were utter garbage.
I went to shows Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night, and I laughed to the point of tears several times, especially at UCB's stellar show on Friday night.
Saturday afternoon, we had workshops with some great improvisers. My instructors included Charlie Todd (UCB) who taught "The Game" and Dan Winckler who instructed how to use video cameras in a differnent kind of improv techinque.
Also, we had a show on Saturday night and after which, I pouted to the point of tears. We had a decent performance - started out great but steadily dropped off. Bleh.
The festival was an enormous success, and the after party was craaaazy. I think the after party deserves an entire entry to itself. But I'm sure anyone who is still reading this entry is probably bored to the point of tears.
2/22/2006
The Vagina Monologues
I saw the Vagina Monolgues this weekend. It was a fantastic play directed by none other than the marvelous Tracy Austria. However, in my infinite immaturity, I have decided to list the quotes that made me giggle like I was back in elementary school:
"It sounds like an infection at best... 'Hurry nurse, bring me the vagina!'"
"She transformed my sorry-ass Coochie Snorcher and raised it into a kind of heaven."
"He stayed looking for almost an hour as if he were studying a map, observing the moon, staring into my eyes, but it was my vagina."
"I don't want my pussy to smell like rain."
Communion
Calm down, I'm not mocking religion. I'm mocking a ditzy girl in my Spanish class. Last week she said what translates to this:
So, your wine is supposed to represent Jesus's fruity wine drink? Ahhh...
"We eat the bread symbolizing the body of Christ and we drink wine symbolizing his sangria."
So, your wine is supposed to represent Jesus's fruity wine drink? Ahhh...
2/20/2006
Shaming
This kid passed out and some of his immature friends piled furniture on him. It only got worse from here...
Demetri Martin
For those of you who don't know who Demetri Martin is, then you are most of the people in the world. But I will go ahead and tell you. He is a hilarious stand-up comedian. All famous comedians are hilarious because if they weren't, then they wouldn't be comedians. They would be waiters and librarians and stunt men and street performers in Barcelona.
I'm trying to bring Demetri Martin (and Alonzo Bodden) to campus April 12. In honor of the mere possibility of him coming, I'm posting some of his great quotes:
* "'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."
* "If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half."
* "I was at the zoo the other day, looking for a job / girlfriend / pretzel."
* "The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
* "About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.' (Ladies, that's not true)"
I'm trying to bring Demetri Martin (and Alonzo Bodden) to campus April 12. In honor of the mere possibility of him coming, I'm posting some of his great quotes:
* "'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."
* "If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half."
* "I was at the zoo the other day, looking for a job / girlfriend / pretzel."
* "The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
* "About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.' (Ladies, that's not true)"
2/05/2006
Super Bowl Commercials
I have decided which Super Bowl Commercials were the funniest this year. Since I decided, then I guess it is irrefutably fact. Here they are:
3. Bud Light - Two co-workers in an elevator and one explains how he has hidden Bus Lights all over the office as a happy bonus reward. When the elevator opens the entire office is fighting and frantically searching for more beer - one worker is punching holes in the walls with his bare hands while another swings plants out of their pots.
2. FedEx - A caveman sends a package on a pterodactyl, but the dinobird is chomped by another dino. The caveman tells his boss that the package didn't make it.
"Did you use FedEx?"
"It doesn't exist yet."
"Not my problem."
This is all followed by an angry cavemen kicking an innocent little dinosaur and then being stomped by some giant elephant/mastodon.
1. Ameriquest - Two doctors stand by a patient in the hospital. One has a defibrillator which he uses to kill a pesky fly. "That killed him," comments one doctor as the wife and daughter of the patient walk in. The family thinks the doctor has killed the patient with the defibrillator. Genius.
3. Bud Light - Two co-workers in an elevator and one explains how he has hidden Bus Lights all over the office as a happy bonus reward. When the elevator opens the entire office is fighting and frantically searching for more beer - one worker is punching holes in the walls with his bare hands while another swings plants out of their pots.
2. FedEx - A caveman sends a package on a pterodactyl, but the dinobird is chomped by another dino. The caveman tells his boss that the package didn't make it.
"Did you use FedEx?"
"It doesn't exist yet."
"Not my problem."
This is all followed by an angry cavemen kicking an innocent little dinosaur and then being stomped by some giant elephant/mastodon.
1. Ameriquest - Two doctors stand by a patient in the hospital. One has a defibrillator which he uses to kill a pesky fly. "That killed him," comments one doctor as the wife and daughter of the patient walk in. The family thinks the doctor has killed the patient with the defibrillator. Genius.
1/29/2006
1/24/2006
Best SNL Sketch in a Long Time
Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell star in a music video that finally redeems the last few less-than-stellar seasons of Saturday Night Live. Presenting "Lazy Sunday"...
Lazy Sunday
Lazy Sunday
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