Last Comic Standing Auditions

So I did it. I went to Miami to audition for "Last Comic Standing." I wrote some jokes, practiced them, waited in line, and then choked like no other.

At 4:45 AM I got in line for auditions that began at 10:00 AM. When I put my name on the list, I was number 72. I sat down at the end of the line with a group of people with the same hopes as me. About 5-6 of formed a clique over the next few hours and talked to pass the time. There was a metro guy named Brian from L.A., a black lady named Dianne from Texas, a big guy named Matt also from Texas, and a goofy guy named Colin from Toronto with his dad.

Time passed slowly. As it got light, I started to practice my material more and more. I had prepared six jokes and a two-part prescription drug commercial bit. I rehearsed it in my head for hours on end.

Finally the production crew came out and made us get in a "single file" line. That lasted for less than four minutes. They came out and interviewed those of us who seemed interesting which included a midget, a woman playing a ukulele, and fat guy from Brooklyn who had a giant frisbee thing. He was obnoxious. I thought that a bald guy behind me named Drew was going to punch him in the face. I secretly wanted to Donkey Punch him.

I kept rehearsing and the line crept forward. People kept exiting with their heads hung. Everyone said that the judges consisted of one nice guy and one mean guy. Judging from others people advice I was able to deduce the following preferences:
1) No gay-bashing jokes.
2) No Schwarzenegger impressions (I can't believe people are still doing this).
3) Nothing creepy.
4) Be original.

About 12:30 PM I got in the building. I filled out some paperwork that basically said NBC could do whatever they wanted with my audition including, but not limited to, using my footage to promote the show or editing the audition to make me look like a jackass.

Finally I went in and started by routine. In the first line of my first joke I stuttered. BAD START. I managed to squeeze out the rest of the joke and then stutter through a second. Why was I so nervous? I didn't know. They even pointed it out and asked me why I was so nervous. Then they said give them one more joke. I STUTTERED through a third. WHAT WAS MY PROBLEM??

The good news was that one of the guys laughed at each of my jokes, but the bad news is that the other guy said he would rather eat his own organs than listen to me tell jokes. I think that was an exaggeration.

Then, in a moment of desperation, I told them I could improvise a joke on the spot; all they needed to do was give me a word. The mean guy said "Dean Smith" and I started to make up a joke based on a game I play in CHiPs. Only problem was that I blanked and couldn't think of anything. So I just said, "Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina" and then I walked offstage without waiting to hear a response.

A flight to Miami, two hours of sleep, and eight hours in line, and I ruined my three minutes to become a celebrity. Basically I bombed. And now that I write that word, the Department of Homeland Security is going to shut down my blog.