Pranked

I got pranked the other day by an evil girl who coincidentally shares my name but spells it incorrectly (Cece). We were both at a party with a lot of people who I did not know and she came up to me and asked me if I would dance with her friend because her friend was too afraid to ask me. I was like, "Yeah, ok. No problem." She said, "Great, his name is Daniel and he's right over there."

If I was in a cartoon, my first reaction would have been a giant bubble over my head filled with "??????" Then the next panel would have another balloon over my head with "^&(**#@#%*@#*@#$"

I told her to let me think about it while I tried to figure out a way to politely decline. In the meantime, she told Daniel that I wanted to dance with him too. Talk about awkward.

Long story short: there was no male-on-male dancing and Cece is a @#%&$#*@#.

Creepy and Naked

Yesterday, my roommate asked me if I cared that he might walk around the room naked sometimes before he goes to take a shower. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND ASKS A QUESTION LIKE THAT? My first instinct was to throw scissors at his face, but i restrained myself and politely said, "Hell no you creepyass."

Now our nudity policy is as follows: NO NAKED CREEPS.

Shamed

Passing out means getting shamed... 

Link of the Day

This is an interesting/funny link that is slightly vulgar, so make sure you are at least 13 years old before clicking on it.

Sexy Quiz

Andy Dick

My new favorite quote about Andy Dick:

Andy Dick can guess the flavor of a popsicle by sitting on it.

Poker Is Not Fair

Poker is the only "sport" where the worst player with the worst equipment can beat the best player in the world when everything else is in the best player's favor .

Imagine some quadriplegic who has been up all night drinking, is legally blind, and doesn't even know the rules to the game of basketball. If he challenged Tim Duncan to a basketball match, there is no chance in hell that the quadriplegic would win... even if the goal is lowered. 100 out of 100 times Tim wins. No argument.

NOW... in poker... imagine some Taiwanese immigrant who doesn't know how to play poker, doesn't speak english, and can't even count without using his fingers. On the first hand if he is dealt 2 7 offsuit (the worst hand possible) and he is playing against Phil Helmuth who is dealt A A (the best hand possible), this guy could still win. He might just be trying to order a drink in his native Min Nan dialect, but it might sound like "Jah Jin." Then everyone would think the crazy Taiwan dude was going all in and Phil would call. Taiwanese nutcase catches four of a kind 2's on the flop and the game is basically over.

That is why poker is unjust.
And it explains why I keep losing my money.

Special Note: I am not Taiwanese.

Panty Ho's

This is just my friend Stockton and I wearing panty hose on our head. Nothing unusual really. 

The Brilliance of the DMV

I had to renew my license today which meant a dreaded trip to the epitome of government inefficiency, the DMV. When I checked in I asked the lady if I had enough time to run to Bojangles (which was about 1/4 mile away) while I was waiting. She said no, and that I would be skipped if I went. 45 minutes and a growling stomach later, I was called in to take my eye exam. I'm pretty sure I could have WALKED to Bojangles, paid the cashier in individual pennies, and eaten by biscuit via licking it during that time.

Then I took the sign test. The sign test is easy until you get to the signs WITH NO WORDS ON THEM! I guess it's common knowledge, but I didn't recognize any but the stop sign. The guy gave me clues though. One dialogue went as follows:

DMV guy: Ok, what is the next sign?
Me: Some kind of regulatory sign in the shape of a circle.
DMV guy: Ok, it appears at the intersection of a road and train tracks, and it warns you that there are train tracks. What sign is it?
Me: Train-crossing-street sign?
DMV guy: Close enough

Rules of Thumb

Here are some rules of thumb to help people who have trouble talking to girls:

1. No penis jokes.
2. Never tell them they have a flaw.
3. You can't say they are flat or well-endowed (both are fatal flaws).
4. They don't care about Ultimate Fighting Championships.

This really isn't a joke; these are all mistakes my friend made this weekend.

What Not to Say to Girls

I have a friend who I will refer to as Baker for all postings. He will be in many of them, because quite frankly he is legally retarded. And not literally, he just lacks all form of common sense. Let's examine his comments from the weekend.

On the beach while we are talking to some girls:

Me: We are thinking about going to a Chinese buffet for dinner...
Baker: I got a dick buffet right here - $4.99, all you can eat!
Me: Baker, I hate you.
(Girls leave)


Later that night after eating at Hooters:

Baker: (talking to a girl) You don't really have the necessary equipment to work at Hooters.
(I cover my face with my hands)
Baker: (sensing my disapproval) Was that not appropriate?
Me: Not even close.

Joke of the Day

So I was staring at the sun the other day with my glasses on and I felt like my eyes were burning. It was like all those ants were finally getting their revenge.

Joke of the Day

I like parties, but I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzaz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

Demetri Martin

The Misery of Mimery

Be grateful you are not a mime (my apologies to any mime readers). I saw a show last night called Le Grande Cirque and I found myself more embarrassed watching the mime than I was entertained by the hordes of Asian contortionists. A mime is capable of doing a few things well:

1. Humiliating unsuspecting audience members
2. Scaring little kids with his freakish make-up face
3. Getting stuck in imaginary places
4. Not screaming when he stubs his toe

Unfortunately none of these are entertaining enough to warrant a ticket price that is more than $2. If you see a mime on the street, he's probably got a sad story about how he got into street performance, and I'd give him a buck. But I will never pay to see some idiot with white make-up who is stuck in a dadgum invisible box.