The Perfect Gift

Most stuff on this blog is a joke. This is not a joke. People in Malawi are dying every day from starvation. They need food and the best way to get them food is to donate to an organization called Maize for Malawi. If you want to donate, you can do so via the following paypal link:

Maize for Malawi

Thanks!

Triple Toe Loop

I have watched ice skating on TV in the winter for years. Let's face it, the sport is graceful, sophisticated, and as manly as it gets. Yesterday, however, I mean a startling discovery.

I has suspected this for a while, but I now know for a FACT that there is absolutely no difference between a triple toe loop and triple lutz. And those are the same as a triple salchow, or however you spell it. And that is the same as a double spin, which is the same as a double axel.

Every move that is done on ice is the exact same. The exact same. The only variation occurs when someone falls and busts her fragile face. Or when Tonya Harding beats the hell out of Nancy Kerrigan with a baseball bat.

Can't Remember

Regardless of whether you care about political humor, this link will satisfy you. Apparently a governor in New Mexico can't remember if we was drafted to a professional baseball team. Seriously.
Politicians Lie - "Field of Hallucinations"

Button Up This

Sorry for the hiatus... Fall break and school work really kept me occupied. Here's the funny/humorous/not worth your time remark of the day:

Button up flies. What the hell? What sadistic genius came up with the idea for button up flies? I mean, are you kidding?

The only time you need to zip your pants up or down, you need to do it quickly. Need to go to the bathroom... unzip, done. Getting ready for the day... zip, button the top, done. Changing clothes... unzip, remove pants, done.

But with BUTTON UP FLIES, the process suddenly becomes a challenge. Need to go to the bathroom... unbutton first button, fumble with second button, unbutton second button, (oh no! time is running out!), third button looks too intimidating, frantically mess with third button (it's stuck!!)... and now you have two problems. Your fly is still half-fastened, and you're about to pass out from pain.

The only perk is that you can't experience the most painful moment in the world - the Zip Tip. Those of you who don't know about Zip Tip... I envy you. But I imagine if there is a "Button Tip," though it must be far more rare, it must also be more excruciating.


Coming Soon:
Chicago Trip
First (exclusively) CHiPs Show!

I'm Boycotting Tipping (at McAllisters)

Welcome to a new era of begging.

I walked in to McAllisters the other day and ordered the club. They said they took credit cards and thus I paid with one. They gave me a receipt and everything seemed normal UNTIL... I noticed there was a blank space and beside it read the word TIP.

Why would I possibly give a tip for some ditzy girl to take my order and fill up a cup with iced tea? I can order the exact same way at McDonalds and not feel a guilt trip like I owe someone 15% for a 30 second verbal interaction.

It's not even paying the money that is so bothersome. It's the fact that I know the girl looks at the receipt right after I walk away and she sees that I gave her $0 in tip. Then she flicks me off while I'm not looking and wipes the sole of her shoe on my sandwich. And finally she tells the guy behind me in line that I'm a cheap scuzzle bucket mcgee.

I'm boycotting the laziest way of begging that I have ever seen.

CAGE MATCH: Dr. Pepper vs. Dr. Extreme

For some reason, you have to scroll down a little to see the graph. Sorry. Think of the white space as a break. From life. Enjoy.

	Price	Brand Recognition	Certified Degree	Other
Dr. Pepper	A costly but refreshing soda	Unless you're Hellen Keller, you've probably seen and heard of Dr. Pepper	Didn't graduate from high school but forged a doctorate	Mysteriously lacks pepper...
Dr. Extreme	Cheaper than slave labor	Obscurely lurks in the grocery store aisles, just like that kid who never gets picked for the kickball team	Actually got a degree from a community college	Thinks his name is cool enough to qualify for the X-Games
Winner	Dr. Extreme	Uh... Dr. Pepper	Dr. Extreme	Dr. Extreme

Since there was no factor of flavor involved in this cage match, the often overlooked and under-appreciated Dr. Extreme comes out as the victor. Take that you false-advertising, pepperless beverage bastard.

Fat Dude

We made the 500 hits mark! Hoorah.

I'm doing a victory/rain dance right now to celebrate. But as promised, here is a picture of a fat guy in a bathing suit. Could life get any better?

CHiPs & EROT

We had quite a crazy show this past Thursday night. CHiPs performed with Ebony Readers/Onyx Theater in a joint effort to promote race relations. Whether this actually happened it still up for debate... but it was definitely a fun show.

Compared to our first show in Carrboro, this was an absolute home run. The crowd was really involved and seemed to enjoy both the improv comedy and EROT's slam poetry. If I can get a copy of a couple of the works that EROT did, I will absolutely post it.

My favorite moment: I spanked a "bootylicious" girl on stage.

The most scared moment of my life: In a dinner sketch where racial putdowns kept getting more and more elevated, I made a comment about drugs and prison that I immediately regretted. The line-crossing move didn't seem to make enemies, but that was just lucky.

EROT is an amazing group, so if you get a chance to see them on campus - DO IT!

Hate Preachers

"You're just an ignorant, little girl." This quote is exactly what I heard as I was walking by the pit today (he wasn't talking to me). A series of hate/religious preachers were out in full force today preaching the good word of God, which according to them is that we are all ignorant homosexuals who are going to hell for watching sports.

I kid you not when I tell you that the preacher to whom I previously referred was carrying a sign that read, "You make me sick!" and then listed the categories of people that he hated. He hated a lot of people. My favorites include the following:
Effeminate Culture
People Who Talk to Their Pets More Than God
Jews from the Synagogue of Satan
Computer Freaks
Dykes on Bikes

I don't even know what Dykes on Bikes means. I guess if you're a dyke on a unicycle, that's ok. A dyke on a scooter... no big deal. But if you are a God-forsaken dyke on a bicycle, you are forever damned in the fiery fury that is Hell.

Getting Some Hits

It looks like I've just hit the 400 hits mark on this blog. Technically, that's not very much, but I'm still happy, so DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE. Anyway, as a completely futile incentive to encourage people to come to my blog, I have arranged a list of what I will do in the event that this website gains a certain number of hits. All of the following will be documented in the blog with photographs.

500 hits - I will post a picture of a fat man in a bathing suit.
1000 hits - I will eat an entire pineapple in one sitting.
2000 hits - I will paint my face black for a school day.
3000 hits - I will force my friend to eat "El Gigante," a 7-pound burrito.
5000 hits - I will go swimming in the water fountain at the mall.
10000 hits - I will go streaking down Franklin St.

If people have other suggestions for what to do at different hit marks, I will consider them and then reject them. Seriously though, I will streak.

Smileys

What's up with that one smiley face that doesn't really have a purpose? It looks like a normal one, only with contorted lips that somehow shape a dollar sign. What emotion does this smiley convey? Bewilderment? Indigestion? Innovative piercings?

:-$

If you type the above "smiley" in AIM, you will see what I'm talking about. They even have a seductive smiley and a drunk smiley.

:-* (seductive)

:-! (drunk)

But the real question is, why don't they have creepy smiley? Sometimes I need to express creepiness, but I lack the smiley.

:+% (future creepy smiley)

Where Should the Band Play?

I would just like to point out that a (nameless) friend of mine suggested that our band for rush cocktail should play in the kitchen.

Dude, the kitchen.

Are you serious?

The kitchen?

...

CAGE MATCH: Birkenstock vs. Rainbow

The battle has been brewing for centuries, and when it all comes down to it, only one sandal can prevail...
BEGIN!

	Popularity	Comfort	Visual Appeal	Other
Birkenstock	Hippies and Germans still love them	Pebbles pester the soles of feet and the leather straps pluck foot hairs	Sexy cork and leather	If the sandal had a personality, it would be one of those guys who doesn't play by the rules... not even his own
Rainbow	Every frat daddy in the US has them	Every step feels like a Swiss massage	Slender and sensual, but why is the tag only on the right shoe??	Turns your feet poo poo brown
Winner	Rainbows	Rainbows	Birkenstocks	Birkenstocks

WINNER: Rainbows. There's no logical conclusion from this chart - I just like them better.

My First Bomb

Well, I was in my very first CHiPs show yesterday and it was really bad. I thought we were just OK, but after the show, every other person on stage came to the back room and acted like we sucked a fatty. So now I know what it is like to bomb.

I should have realized we were bombing when we were 15 minutes into the performance without laughter from the audience other than a few cheap cussing jokes. But the real clincher was when we said the word "spick" and had a Hispanic audience member get up and walk out of the room. Wow - that's a bomb.

Anyway, the future is bright. I have no justification for this, I'm just an optimist. CHiPs will have a show tomorrow (and I won't be there due to previous obligation), but I'm sure it will be better. We will ban racial slanders.

CHiPs!

My first venture in comedy this year has proven successful. CHiPs (Chapel Hill Players) is a comedy improvisation team on campus at UNC and I found out earlier today that I actually made the core performance group. This is a BIG deal for me, and already I have a show tomorrow. This group is full of amazingly clever people, so to be in it is a real honor. I hope I can maintain their high comedic reputation. Congrats to the other new guys - Jesse and Jared!

Next Show:
Carrboro Arts Center - 5:00 PM

Philosowhat?

Philosophy is the biggest bullhonkey class I have ever taken. I'm sure there are valuable reasons for its existence, but none of them pertain to a business major like me. My professor says things like, "I've said an awful lot, but I really haven't said very much" and "I can prove that I am here, but I cannot prove that the professor to this class is here."

The other day in class he said something that I reacted to very immaturely. He asked the class if he was morally obliged to do p, referring to a variable which could mean anything. But I heard "morally obliged to do pee" and started chuckling because I thought that was absurd. The class turned and stared at me, and all I could do was blush like an idiot.

I'd tell you more, but I feel morally obliged to go pee.

Native American Mascots

Who gives a rat's willy whether or not we have Native American mascots in college? The Native Americans have said they aren't offended so all the idiots out there (predominantly liberals) who are trying to advance their ridiculous agenda can suck on a sock.

My proposal is that we rename some other colleges' mascots so that all stereotypes are covered and thus no one is left out. We can have the NC State Honkey Pack, the Duke Blue Crackers, the Notre Dame Fighting Jews, and maybe even the New Mexico Wetbacks.

Best Accomplishment

Excuse me. Drop what you're doing. I have a very important announcement. I (with the help of Tommy) defeated King Koopa today and rid the world of his evil doings. Also, I saved the princess, but she's not at cute in person as you would think.

In other news, CHiPs tryouts are today and tomorrow, so the first attempt at actual comedy achievements are coming... which might give this blog a purpose soon.

Hurricane Relief

Sure, it might not be much, but you should do it anyway. Donate. And do it using Red Cross because scam sites are popping up and may not be legit.

Red Cross

Pranked

I got pranked the other day by an evil girl who coincidentally shares my name but spells it incorrectly (Cece). We were both at a party with a lot of people who I did not know and she came up to me and asked me if I would dance with her friend because her friend was too afraid to ask me. I was like, "Yeah, ok. No problem." She said, "Great, his name is Daniel and he's right over there."

If I was in a cartoon, my first reaction would have been a giant bubble over my head filled with "??????" Then the next panel would have another balloon over my head with "^&(**#@#%*@#*@#$"

I told her to let me think about it while I tried to figure out a way to politely decline. In the meantime, she told Daniel that I wanted to dance with him too. Talk about awkward.

Long story short: there was no male-on-male dancing and Cece is a @#%&$#*@#.

Creepy and Naked

Yesterday, my roommate asked me if I cared that he might walk around the room naked sometimes before he goes to take a shower. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND ASKS A QUESTION LIKE THAT? My first instinct was to throw scissors at his face, but i restrained myself and politely said, "Hell no you creepyass."

Now our nudity policy is as follows: NO NAKED CREEPS.

Shamed

Passing out means getting shamed... 

Link of the Day

This is an interesting/funny link that is slightly vulgar, so make sure you are at least 13 years old before clicking on it.

Sexy Quiz

Andy Dick

My new favorite quote about Andy Dick:

Andy Dick can guess the flavor of a popsicle by sitting on it.

Poker Is Not Fair

Poker is the only "sport" where the worst player with the worst equipment can beat the best player in the world when everything else is in the best player's favor .

Imagine some quadriplegic who has been up all night drinking, is legally blind, and doesn't even know the rules to the game of basketball. If he challenged Tim Duncan to a basketball match, there is no chance in hell that the quadriplegic would win... even if the goal is lowered. 100 out of 100 times Tim wins. No argument.

NOW... in poker... imagine some Taiwanese immigrant who doesn't know how to play poker, doesn't speak english, and can't even count without using his fingers. On the first hand if he is dealt 2 7 offsuit (the worst hand possible) and he is playing against Phil Helmuth who is dealt A A (the best hand possible), this guy could still win. He might just be trying to order a drink in his native Min Nan dialect, but it might sound like "Jah Jin." Then everyone would think the crazy Taiwan dude was going all in and Phil would call. Taiwanese nutcase catches four of a kind 2's on the flop and the game is basically over.

That is why poker is unjust.
And it explains why I keep losing my money.

Special Note: I am not Taiwanese.

Panty Ho's

This is just my friend Stockton and I wearing panty hose on our head. Nothing unusual really. 

The Brilliance of the DMV

I had to renew my license today which meant a dreaded trip to the epitome of government inefficiency, the DMV. When I checked in I asked the lady if I had enough time to run to Bojangles (which was about 1/4 mile away) while I was waiting. She said no, and that I would be skipped if I went. 45 minutes and a growling stomach later, I was called in to take my eye exam. I'm pretty sure I could have WALKED to Bojangles, paid the cashier in individual pennies, and eaten by biscuit via licking it during that time.

Then I took the sign test. The sign test is easy until you get to the signs WITH NO WORDS ON THEM! I guess it's common knowledge, but I didn't recognize any but the stop sign. The guy gave me clues though. One dialogue went as follows:

DMV guy: Ok, what is the next sign?
Me: Some kind of regulatory sign in the shape of a circle.
DMV guy: Ok, it appears at the intersection of a road and train tracks, and it warns you that there are train tracks. What sign is it?
Me: Train-crossing-street sign?
DMV guy: Close enough

Rules of Thumb

Here are some rules of thumb to help people who have trouble talking to girls:

1. No penis jokes.
2. Never tell them they have a flaw.
3. You can't say they are flat or well-endowed (both are fatal flaws).
4. They don't care about Ultimate Fighting Championships.

This really isn't a joke; these are all mistakes my friend made this weekend.

What Not to Say to Girls

I have a friend who I will refer to as Baker for all postings. He will be in many of them, because quite frankly he is legally retarded. And not literally, he just lacks all form of common sense. Let's examine his comments from the weekend.

On the beach while we are talking to some girls:

Me: We are thinking about going to a Chinese buffet for dinner...
Baker: I got a dick buffet right here - $4.99, all you can eat!
Me: Baker, I hate you.
(Girls leave)


Later that night after eating at Hooters:

Baker: (talking to a girl) You don't really have the necessary equipment to work at Hooters.
(I cover my face with my hands)
Baker: (sensing my disapproval) Was that not appropriate?
Me: Not even close.

Joke of the Day

So I was staring at the sun the other day with my glasses on and I felt like my eyes were burning. It was like all those ants were finally getting their revenge.

Joke of the Day

I like parties, but I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzaz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

Demetri Martin

The Misery of Mimery

Be grateful you are not a mime (my apologies to any mime readers). I saw a show last night called Le Grande Cirque and I found myself more embarrassed watching the mime than I was entertained by the hordes of Asian contortionists. A mime is capable of doing a few things well:

1. Humiliating unsuspecting audience members
2. Scaring little kids with his freakish make-up face
3. Getting stuck in imaginary places
4. Not screaming when he stubs his toe

Unfortunately none of these are entertaining enough to warrant a ticket price that is more than $2. If you see a mime on the street, he's probably got a sad story about how he got into street performance, and I'd give him a buck. But I will never pay to see some idiot with white make-up who is stuck in a dadgum invisible box.

Joke of the Day

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.

Thanks to Mitch Hedberg

Gaining a Few Pounds

Sumo Comic

I will periodically add pictures like this one for a cheap laugh. In this picture, I could not get the top part of my sumo suit to fit over my head. That is why it looks like I am wearing a hood rather than my sumo hair.

Why Read the Rising Comic?

So why does this blog exist and who gives a rat's willy? Basically this blog is going to chronicle my ascension to either stardom or janitorial employment, whichever way it all works out.

Over the next couple years of college I will be doing the following:
* Performing stand-up comedy locally
* Attending and trying to perform at big clubs
* Writing for humor publications
* Performing improvisation comedy
* Filming and acting in comedic shorts
* Working on a less intimidating smile

Basically, I'm taking any opportunities I have to jump into some comedy. This blog will describe my efforts in all of these genres of entertainment and will hopefully provide links to all my published work as well as some pictures and video clips of my performances and comedic shorts.

I hope you will join me as I discover if I have what it takes to succeed in comedy.

What is a Beaner?

I didn't know what a beaner was, but this humorous link seems to explain it. Warning: the main guy in the video on this link is racist.

Beaner Prank

Joke of the Day

I was in the kitchen the other day cooking blueberry pancakes when I saw a fly. That was when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a squashed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like fly-eater.

Thanks to Demetri Martin.

Andy Milonakis Show

Apparently any kind of clown can get a show these days. If you have not seen the Andy Milonakis show, you should sit down sometime and when the show comes on MTV, turn the TV off. Spare yourself from a half hour of miserable jokes that pack in all the humor of autistic kid rattling off statistics. I would rather take tabasco eyedrops than sit through another episode of anti-comedy hosted by a gelatin jiggler.

But my question is this: How did you get your own show, Andy? And by MTV??

Mom's New Painting

My mom bought a new painting for our house today and she loves it. It's called a "barbosa." I think it’s ok except for one major glaring problem – it looks like someone painted his ass green and hopped around butt-naked on a canvas. The painting is supposed to be of a pastoral scene, but is actually of a landscape and a butt-print. Gross.

Later in the day I find my mother turning the knob on our lamp to higher settings. "Look!" she told me. "This painting gets brighter in the light!" Then she turned the lamp to a lower setting and said, "Ooooohhh, this gets darker in the shadows." I am dead serious. This was the most embarassing conversation I have ever had with my mother. The only thing I told her was that the chair does the same thing.

First Post

This is my first post. I am not proud of it because it is not funny. I am just seeing if it works. If you are reading this, you should skip around and read other posts too because this one probably won't give you a very good idea of what this blog is like. Ok, well that's all for now I guess. I'm going to go press my face against a window because it feels greasy and I want to see what the grease will look like on glass. Come back!

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