Getting Some Hits

It looks like I've just hit the 400 hits mark on this blog. Technically, that's not very much, but I'm still happy, so DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE. Anyway, as a completely futile incentive to encourage people to come to my blog, I have arranged a list of what I will do in the event that this website gains a certain number of hits. All of the following will be documented in the blog with photographs.

500 hits - I will post a picture of a fat man in a bathing suit.
1000 hits - I will eat an entire pineapple in one sitting.
2000 hits - I will paint my face black for a school day.
3000 hits - I will force my friend to eat "El Gigante," a 7-pound burrito.
5000 hits - I will go swimming in the water fountain at the mall.
10000 hits - I will go streaking down Franklin St.

If people have other suggestions for what to do at different hit marks, I will consider them and then reject them. Seriously though, I will streak.

Smileys

What's up with that one smiley face that doesn't really have a purpose? It looks like a normal one, only with contorted lips that somehow shape a dollar sign. What emotion does this smiley convey? Bewilderment? Indigestion? Innovative piercings?

:-$

If you type the above "smiley" in AIM, you will see what I'm talking about. They even have a seductive smiley and a drunk smiley.

:-* (seductive)

:-! (drunk)

But the real question is, why don't they have creepy smiley? Sometimes I need to express creepiness, but I lack the smiley.

:+% (future creepy smiley)

Where Should the Band Play?

I would just like to point out that a (nameless) friend of mine suggested that our band for rush cocktail should play in the kitchen.

Dude, the kitchen.

Are you serious?

The kitchen?

...

CAGE MATCH: Birkenstock vs. Rainbow

The battle has been brewing for centuries, and when it all comes down to it, only one sandal can prevail...
BEGIN!

	Popularity	Comfort	Visual Appeal	Other
Birkenstock	Hippies and Germans still love them	Pebbles pester the soles of feet and the leather straps pluck foot hairs	Sexy cork and leather	If the sandal had a personality, it would be one of those guys who doesn't play by the rules... not even his own
Rainbow	Every frat daddy in the US has them	Every step feels like a Swiss massage	Slender and sensual, but why is the tag only on the right shoe??	Turns your feet poo poo brown
Winner	Rainbows	Rainbows	Birkenstocks	Birkenstocks

WINNER: Rainbows. There's no logical conclusion from this chart - I just like them better.

My First Bomb

Well, I was in my very first CHiPs show yesterday and it was really bad. I thought we were just OK, but after the show, every other person on stage came to the back room and acted like we sucked a fatty. So now I know what it is like to bomb.

I should have realized we were bombing when we were 15 minutes into the performance without laughter from the audience other than a few cheap cussing jokes. But the real clincher was when we said the word "spick" and had a Hispanic audience member get up and walk out of the room. Wow - that's a bomb.

Anyway, the future is bright. I have no justification for this, I'm just an optimist. CHiPs will have a show tomorrow (and I won't be there due to previous obligation), but I'm sure it will be better. We will ban racial slanders.

CHiPs!

My first venture in comedy this year has proven successful. CHiPs (Chapel Hill Players) is a comedy improvisation team on campus at UNC and I found out earlier today that I actually made the core performance group. This is a BIG deal for me, and already I have a show tomorrow. This group is full of amazingly clever people, so to be in it is a real honor. I hope I can maintain their high comedic reputation. Congrats to the other new guys - Jesse and Jared!

Next Show:
Carrboro Arts Center - 5:00 PM

Philosowhat?

Philosophy is the biggest bullhonkey class I have ever taken. I'm sure there are valuable reasons for its existence, but none of them pertain to a business major like me. My professor says things like, "I've said an awful lot, but I really haven't said very much" and "I can prove that I am here, but I cannot prove that the professor to this class is here."

The other day in class he said something that I reacted to very immaturely. He asked the class if he was morally obliged to do p, referring to a variable which could mean anything. But I heard "morally obliged to do pee" and started chuckling because I thought that was absurd. The class turned and stared at me, and all I could do was blush like an idiot.

I'd tell you more, but I feel morally obliged to go pee.

Native American Mascots

Who gives a rat's willy whether or not we have Native American mascots in college? The Native Americans have said they aren't offended so all the idiots out there (predominantly liberals) who are trying to advance their ridiculous agenda can suck on a sock.

My proposal is that we rename some other colleges' mascots so that all stereotypes are covered and thus no one is left out. We can have the NC State Honkey Pack, the Duke Blue Crackers, the Notre Dame Fighting Jews, and maybe even the New Mexico Wetbacks.

Best Accomplishment

Excuse me. Drop what you're doing. I have a very important announcement. I (with the help of Tommy) defeated King Koopa today and rid the world of his evil doings. Also, I saved the princess, but she's not at cute in person as you would think.

In other news, CHiPs tryouts are today and tomorrow, so the first attempt at actual comedy achievements are coming... which might give this blog a purpose soon.

Hurricane Relief

Sure, it might not be much, but you should do it anyway. Donate. And do it using Red Cross because scam sites are popping up and may not be legit.

Red Cross