YOU are cordially invited to the GREATEST COMEDY EVENT ON THIS EARTH! You can PERFORM or just come and enjoy the show!
CHiPs, Nourish International, and the General Alumni Association present . . .
THE GONG SHOW!!!
WHAT? Campus celebrities and student comedians will be given five minutes to make the audience laugh as hard as possible. If a punch line flops or an act misfires, the audience begin to jeer until five judges, selected at random from the audience, decide it's time for the next act! Hence, the ominous "Gooooong! sound, and the performer must leave the stage! But best of all, anyone can sign up to perform in The Gong Show! So what are you waiting for!?!?!
WHEN and WHERE? At 8pm, this Wednesday, March 29th, 2006, the sound of the gong will reign almighty in The Great Hall!
WHY? The proceeds from this fun night of heckling and hilarity will go to Kanyenyeva Orphan Care Ministries (KOCM), which is supporting orphaned Malawian children during the current food crisis in sub-Saharan Africa.
WANNA GET IN ON THE ACTION? Sign up to perform stand-up comedy, improvisation, or anything that will make the audience laugh, at our pit table or email ccpearce@email.unc.edu with your name, number, and type of act.
TICKETS ON SALE NOW IN THE PIT (11am-2pm, 3/23-2/24, 3/27-3/28)! $4 each in the pit ($3 for GAA members), $5 at the door. (They're CHEAP, and, of course, it's for a great cause!)
SPECIAL BONUS! Free Red Bull for all performers!!
GONG!
3/25/2006
3/20/2006
Friends' Spring Breaks
My friends had some interesting Spring Breaks. Here are some of the highlights:
Friend 1: I hit a guy over the break.
Me: You got in a fight?
Friend 1: No, I hit a guy in my car. We were going like 45 mph and some drunk guy was asking for it.
Friend 2: Guess how fucked up I got? I shat blood.
Friend 3: ...and then he passed out in the back of the cab and the Mexican started driving off...
And for Friend 4, I'll let this picture speak for himself.
Friend 1: I hit a guy over the break.
Me: You got in a fight?
Friend 1: No, I hit a guy in my car. We were going like 45 mph and some drunk guy was asking for it.
Friend 2: Guess how fucked up I got? I shat blood.
Friend 3: ...and then he passed out in the back of the cab and the Mexican started driving off...
And for Friend 4, I'll let this picture speak for himself.
3/19/2006
Sunday Jokes
I think I'll start posting new jokes regularly on Sundays. How does that sound? Oh, who am I talking to? No one even reads this thing.
This time I'm going to show three versions of the same joke. Tell me which one is the best.
1. My roommate told me that I cock-blocked him the other night. I gave a fist pump and said, "Booyah, I'm averaging 4.5 cock-blocks a semester." Next year I'll probably be on the all-ACC team.
2. My roommate told me that I cock-blocked him the other night, but he works at Footlocker. I think a real ref would have called it a foul.
3. My roommate told me that I cock-blocked him the other night. I'm basically the Yao Ming of hook-ups.
This time I'm going to show three versions of the same joke. Tell me which one is the best.
1. My roommate told me that I cock-blocked him the other night. I gave a fist pump and said, "Booyah, I'm averaging 4.5 cock-blocks a semester." Next year I'll probably be on the all-ACC team.
2. My roommate told me that I cock-blocked him the other night, but he works at Footlocker. I think a real ref would have called it a foul.
3. My roommate told me that I cock-blocked him the other night. I'm basically the Yao Ming of hook-ups.
3/16/2006
Test pic
Apparently I can now send pictures from my cell phone to my blog. That's amazing. I can also send a voice mail to my blog. That is equally amazing. These features are incredibly useful. Somehow.
More Jokes
OK here are new jokes. Please give some feedback. I actually tried to use some of these during my auditions. Too bad I st-st-stuttered through it all.
1. I’m not a racist, but sometimes segregation is appropriate. I don’t think you can mix whites and coloreds in certain situations. Like in the washing machine. Or at a Crips gang initiation.
2. I think the bidet may be the greatest invention of all time. I asked for one for my birthday, but we’re on a budget, so I just got a detachable shower head.
3. I wasn’t looking for a needle in that haystack, but when I jumped in, I still got Hepatitis.
1. I’m not a racist, but sometimes segregation is appropriate. I don’t think you can mix whites and coloreds in certain situations. Like in the washing machine. Or at a Crips gang initiation.
2. I think the bidet may be the greatest invention of all time. I asked for one for my birthday, but we’re on a budget, so I just got a detachable shower head.
3. I wasn’t looking for a needle in that haystack, but when I jumped in, I still got Hepatitis.
3/12/2006
Last Comic Standing Auditions
So I did it. I went to Miami to audition for "Last Comic Standing." I wrote some jokes, practiced them, waited in line, and then choked like no other.
At 4:45 AM I got in line for auditions that began at 10:00 AM. When I put my name on the list, I was number 72. I sat down at the end of the line with a group of people with the same hopes as me. About 5-6 of formed a clique over the next few hours and talked to pass the time. There was a metro guy named Brian from L.A., a black lady named Dianne from Texas, a big guy named Matt also from Texas, and a goofy guy named Colin from Toronto with his dad.
Time passed slowly. As it got light, I started to practice my material more and more. I had prepared six jokes and a two-part prescription drug commercial bit. I rehearsed it in my head for hours on end.
Finally the production crew came out and made us get in a "single file" line. That lasted for less than four minutes. They came out and interviewed those of us who seemed interesting which included a midget, a woman playing a ukulele, and fat guy from Brooklyn who had a giant frisbee thing. He was obnoxious. I thought that a bald guy behind me named Drew was going to punch him in the face. I secretly wanted to Donkey Punch him.
I kept rehearsing and the line crept forward. People kept exiting with their heads hung. Everyone said that the judges consisted of one nice guy and one mean guy. Judging from others people advice I was able to deduce the following preferences:
1) No gay-bashing jokes.
2) No Schwarzenegger impressions (I can't believe people are still doing this).
3) Nothing creepy.
4) Be original.
About 12:30 PM I got in the building. I filled out some paperwork that basically said NBC could do whatever they wanted with my audition including, but not limited to, using my footage to promote the show or editing the audition to make me look like a jackass.
Finally I went in and started by routine. In the first line of my first joke I stuttered. BAD START. I managed to squeeze out the rest of the joke and then stutter through a second. Why was I so nervous? I didn't know. They even pointed it out and asked me why I was so nervous. Then they said give them one more joke. I STUTTERED through a third. WHAT WAS MY PROBLEM??
The good news was that one of the guys laughed at each of my jokes, but the bad news is that the other guy said he would rather eat his own organs than listen to me tell jokes. I think that was an exaggeration.
Then, in a moment of desperation, I told them I could improvise a joke on the spot; all they needed to do was give me a word. The mean guy said "Dean Smith" and I started to make up a joke based on a game I play in CHiPs. Only problem was that I blanked and couldn't think of anything. So I just said, "Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina" and then I walked offstage without waiting to hear a response.
A flight to Miami, two hours of sleep, and eight hours in line, and I ruined my three minutes to become a celebrity. Basically I bombed. And now that I write that word, the Department of Homeland Security is going to shut down my blog.
At 4:45 AM I got in line for auditions that began at 10:00 AM. When I put my name on the list, I was number 72. I sat down at the end of the line with a group of people with the same hopes as me. About 5-6 of formed a clique over the next few hours and talked to pass the time. There was a metro guy named Brian from L.A., a black lady named Dianne from Texas, a big guy named Matt also from Texas, and a goofy guy named Colin from Toronto with his dad.
Time passed slowly. As it got light, I started to practice my material more and more. I had prepared six jokes and a two-part prescription drug commercial bit. I rehearsed it in my head for hours on end.
Finally the production crew came out and made us get in a "single file" line. That lasted for less than four minutes. They came out and interviewed those of us who seemed interesting which included a midget, a woman playing a ukulele, and fat guy from Brooklyn who had a giant frisbee thing. He was obnoxious. I thought that a bald guy behind me named Drew was going to punch him in the face. I secretly wanted to Donkey Punch him.
I kept rehearsing and the line crept forward. People kept exiting with their heads hung. Everyone said that the judges consisted of one nice guy and one mean guy. Judging from others people advice I was able to deduce the following preferences:
1) No gay-bashing jokes.
2) No Schwarzenegger impressions (I can't believe people are still doing this).
3) Nothing creepy.
4) Be original.
About 12:30 PM I got in the building. I filled out some paperwork that basically said NBC could do whatever they wanted with my audition including, but not limited to, using my footage to promote the show or editing the audition to make me look like a jackass.
Finally I went in and started by routine. In the first line of my first joke I stuttered. BAD START. I managed to squeeze out the rest of the joke and then stutter through a second. Why was I so nervous? I didn't know. They even pointed it out and asked me why I was so nervous. Then they said give them one more joke. I STUTTERED through a third. WHAT WAS MY PROBLEM??
The good news was that one of the guys laughed at each of my jokes, but the bad news is that the other guy said he would rather eat his own organs than listen to me tell jokes. I think that was an exaggeration.
Then, in a moment of desperation, I told them I could improvise a joke on the spot; all they needed to do was give me a word. The mean guy said "Dean Smith" and I started to make up a joke based on a game I play in CHiPs. Only problem was that I blanked and couldn't think of anything. So I just said, "Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina" and then I walked offstage without waiting to hear a response.
A flight to Miami, two hours of sleep, and eight hours in line, and I ruined my three minutes to become a celebrity. Basically I bombed. And now that I write that word, the Department of Homeland Security is going to shut down my blog.
3/06/2006
New Jokes
I'm working on some jokes - corny one-liners to be specific. I'm going to leave three at a time. Please leave me some feedback via "comments" so I'll know which ones are garbage and which ones are glorious (if any).
1. Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest is reinforced by the fact that there are no red-headed matadors.
2. Any sentence that begins with, “Not to brag or anything…” is definitely bragging. You hear people say things like, “Not to brag, but I got into Yale,” or, “Not to brag, but I ran a marathon.” You just don’t hear people saying, “Not to brag, but I brushed my teeth. It was no big deal.”
3. Road kill tends to be in the middle of the road. I imagine there must be a lot of drunk drivers or sober motorcyclists.
1. Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest is reinforced by the fact that there are no red-headed matadors.
2. Any sentence that begins with, “Not to brag or anything…” is definitely bragging. You hear people say things like, “Not to brag, but I got into Yale,” or, “Not to brag, but I ran a marathon.” You just don’t hear people saying, “Not to brag, but I brushed my teeth. It was no big deal.”
3. Road kill tends to be in the middle of the road. I imagine there must be a lot of drunk drivers or sober motorcyclists.
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