This is a true conversation between two of my friends that I heard last night. To get the full effect, imagine both of these people out-of-their-minds-drunk and slurring their speech.
Kristen: I'm allergic to cinnamon, but I love Big Red, so I'm just going to chew it anyway.
Jared: (yelling) YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, YOU CRAZY BITCH!
Kristen: No, my tongue's just going to swell up really big and my throat will itch.
2/26/2006
Dirty South Improv Festival
The original intent of this blog was to highlight things I do related to comedy. Getting back to the roots, Dirty South Improv Festival went on this entire week. Improv teams from all over the country came and performed. Some of them were amazing - Upright Citizen's Brigade and The Reckoning come to mind - and some of them were utter garbage.
I went to shows Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night, and I laughed to the point of tears several times, especially at UCB's stellar show on Friday night.
Saturday afternoon, we had workshops with some great improvisers. My instructors included Charlie Todd (UCB) who taught "The Game" and Dan Winckler who instructed how to use video cameras in a differnent kind of improv techinque.
Also, we had a show on Saturday night and after which, I pouted to the point of tears. We had a decent performance - started out great but steadily dropped off. Bleh.
The festival was an enormous success, and the after party was craaaazy. I think the after party deserves an entire entry to itself. But I'm sure anyone who is still reading this entry is probably bored to the point of tears.
2/22/2006
The Vagina Monologues
I saw the Vagina Monolgues this weekend. It was a fantastic play directed by none other than the marvelous Tracy Austria. However, in my infinite immaturity, I have decided to list the quotes that made me giggle like I was back in elementary school:
"It sounds like an infection at best... 'Hurry nurse, bring me the vagina!'"
"She transformed my sorry-ass Coochie Snorcher and raised it into a kind of heaven."
"He stayed looking for almost an hour as if he were studying a map, observing the moon, staring into my eyes, but it was my vagina."
"I don't want my pussy to smell like rain."
Communion
Calm down, I'm not mocking religion. I'm mocking a ditzy girl in my Spanish class. Last week she said what translates to this:
So, your wine is supposed to represent Jesus's fruity wine drink? Ahhh...
"We eat the bread symbolizing the body of Christ and we drink wine symbolizing his sangria."
So, your wine is supposed to represent Jesus's fruity wine drink? Ahhh...
2/20/2006
Shaming
This kid passed out and some of his immature friends piled furniture on him. It only got worse from here...
Demetri Martin
For those of you who don't know who Demetri Martin is, then you are most of the people in the world. But I will go ahead and tell you. He is a hilarious stand-up comedian. All famous comedians are hilarious because if they weren't, then they wouldn't be comedians. They would be waiters and librarians and stunt men and street performers in Barcelona.
I'm trying to bring Demetri Martin (and Alonzo Bodden) to campus April 12. In honor of the mere possibility of him coming, I'm posting some of his great quotes:
* "'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."
* "If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half."
* "I was at the zoo the other day, looking for a job / girlfriend / pretzel."
* "The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
* "About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.' (Ladies, that's not true)"
I'm trying to bring Demetri Martin (and Alonzo Bodden) to campus April 12. In honor of the mere possibility of him coming, I'm posting some of his great quotes:
* "'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."
* "If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half."
* "I was at the zoo the other day, looking for a job / girlfriend / pretzel."
* "The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
* "About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.' (Ladies, that's not true)"
2/05/2006
Super Bowl Commercials
I have decided which Super Bowl Commercials were the funniest this year. Since I decided, then I guess it is irrefutably fact. Here they are:
3. Bud Light - Two co-workers in an elevator and one explains how he has hidden Bus Lights all over the office as a happy bonus reward. When the elevator opens the entire office is fighting and frantically searching for more beer - one worker is punching holes in the walls with his bare hands while another swings plants out of their pots.
2. FedEx - A caveman sends a package on a pterodactyl, but the dinobird is chomped by another dino. The caveman tells his boss that the package didn't make it.
"Did you use FedEx?"
"It doesn't exist yet."
"Not my problem."
This is all followed by an angry cavemen kicking an innocent little dinosaur and then being stomped by some giant elephant/mastodon.
1. Ameriquest - Two doctors stand by a patient in the hospital. One has a defibrillator which he uses to kill a pesky fly. "That killed him," comments one doctor as the wife and daughter of the patient walk in. The family thinks the doctor has killed the patient with the defibrillator. Genius.
3. Bud Light - Two co-workers in an elevator and one explains how he has hidden Bus Lights all over the office as a happy bonus reward. When the elevator opens the entire office is fighting and frantically searching for more beer - one worker is punching holes in the walls with his bare hands while another swings plants out of their pots.
2. FedEx - A caveman sends a package on a pterodactyl, but the dinobird is chomped by another dino. The caveman tells his boss that the package didn't make it.
"Did you use FedEx?"
"It doesn't exist yet."
"Not my problem."
This is all followed by an angry cavemen kicking an innocent little dinosaur and then being stomped by some giant elephant/mastodon.
1. Ameriquest - Two doctors stand by a patient in the hospital. One has a defibrillator which he uses to kill a pesky fly. "That killed him," comments one doctor as the wife and daughter of the patient walk in. The family thinks the doctor has killed the patient with the defibrillator. Genius.
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