Demetri Martin

For those of you who don't know who Demetri Martin is, then you are most of the people in the world. But I will go ahead and tell you. He is a hilarious stand-up comedian. All famous comedians are hilarious because if they weren't, then they wouldn't be comedians. They would be waiters and librarians and stunt men and street performers in Barcelona.

I'm trying to bring Demetri Martin (and Alonzo Bodden) to campus April 12. In honor of the mere possibility of him coming, I'm posting some of his great quotes:

* "'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."

* "If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half."

* "I was at the zoo the other day, looking for a job / girlfriend / pretzel."

* "The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."

* "About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.' (Ladies, that's not true)"

Super Bowl Commercials

I have decided which Super Bowl Commercials were the funniest this year. Since I decided, then I guess it is irrefutably fact. Here they are:

3. Bud Light - Two co-workers in an elevator and one explains how he has hidden Bus Lights all over the office as a happy bonus reward. When the elevator opens the entire office is fighting and frantically searching for more beer - one worker is punching holes in the walls with his bare hands while another swings plants out of their pots.

2. FedEx - A caveman sends a package on a pterodactyl, but the dinobird is chomped by another dino. The caveman tells his boss that the package didn't make it.
"Did you use FedEx?"
"It doesn't exist yet."
"Not my problem."
This is all followed by an angry cavemen kicking an innocent little dinosaur and then being stomped by some giant elephant/mastodon.

1. Ameriquest - Two doctors stand by a patient in the hospital. One has a defibrillator which he uses to kill a pesky fly. "That killed him," comments one doctor as the wife and daughter of the patient walk in. The family thinks the doctor has killed the patient with the defibrillator. Genius.

Discovery

Solid ice and solid water are the same thing.

Best SNL Sketch in a Long Time

Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell star in a music video that finally redeems the last few less-than-stellar seasons of Saturday Night Live. Presenting "Lazy Sunday"...


Lazy Sunday

The Perfect Gift

Most stuff on this blog is a joke. This is not a joke. People in Malawi are dying every day from starvation. They need food and the best way to get them food is to donate to an organization called Maize for Malawi. If you want to donate, you can do so via the following paypal link:

Maize for Malawi

Thanks!

Triple Toe Loop

I have watched ice skating on TV in the winter for years. Let's face it, the sport is graceful, sophisticated, and as manly as it gets. Yesterday, however, I mean a startling discovery.

I has suspected this for a while, but I now know for a FACT that there is absolutely no difference between a triple toe loop and triple lutz. And those are the same as a triple salchow, or however you spell it. And that is the same as a double spin, which is the same as a double axel.

Every move that is done on ice is the exact same. The exact same. The only variation occurs when someone falls and busts her fragile face. Or when Tonya Harding beats the hell out of Nancy Kerrigan with a baseball bat.

Can't Remember

Regardless of whether you care about political humor, this link will satisfy you. Apparently a governor in New Mexico can't remember if we was drafted to a professional baseball team. Seriously.
Politicians Lie - "Field of Hallucinations"